A picture of me teaching children to read in Uganda. Wait, no, it’s just my wine glass again.
My kid? She kills me.
No, I mean she’s feasting on my soul and I feel like I’m aging a mile a minute.
But that’s neither here nor there. The real point to this post is to remind myself that if I never had her, I would not be teaching children to read in Uganda like I mistakenly tell everyone within a three mile radius at least seven times a day:
“You know sweet, darling child of mine, if you didn’t just break off my nose to feed it to the dog, I’d probably be teaching children to read in Uganda right about now. And I’d be sporting a killer tan. And I’d be wearing gold-plated jorts. And Brooke Shields would be my best friend.”
My kid? She’s frustrating. She’s got a spine stronger than mine and she is, in fact, literally stronger than me. She’s smart and confident and often makes me wonder why I thought I was fit to raise a volatile Furby-sized ninja.
But she motivates me. That’s the most surprising part. How she keeps me wanting to do my best AT EVERYTHING no matter how hard she smacks me in the face with our metal spatula. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know what I’d be doing right now. Oh wait. I do:
CHILDLESS ERICKA’S AWESOME RESUME OF FUN
Ericka graduated with honors from the University of Awesomeville and then immediately quit trying. She’s written a dozen half completed short stories that she keeps stacked in her bathroom in case she runs out of toilet paper and isn’t up for a good old fashioned shame waddle. Nobody likes the shame waddle.
When she’s not manufacturing emergency toilet paper, she sponsors a nightly wine club in her home where members sample an assortment of bargain basement wines and a jug of moonshine she concocted that one day when she sniffed too much glue in a Wal-Mart parking lot when attempting to give her seat belt some semblance of safety. How was she supposed to know glue smelled so good?
When she’s not asking fellow Wal-Mart patrons if they’d be interested in drinking a shit ton of booze at her place (she likes Wal-Mart. A lot), you can often find her drunkenly stumbling through the Fiction aisles at Barnes and Noble, throwing loose coins and dried balls of chewed gum at any books written by Jersey Shore cast members or curled up with various copies of Harry Potter, asking an imaginary J. K. Rowling what her secret is and wiping her tears with their pages.
When she’s not hard at work locking herself out of her house or calling the Accidental Glue Sniffers Anonymous hotline, she’s watching reruns of The Office on Hulu and casually mentioning the characters in every day conversation with her husband until he catches on that these are not, in fact, friends she met at her church group. Who want to drink wine at her house in the evenings. From 7:00 to 10:00 p.m. Her mom lets her borrow her Wii. So email her if you’re interested…please.
Anyone that keeps you from accidentally sniffing glue or begging Wal-Mart strangers to drink wine in your place of residence is worth their weight in gold. So life with a preschooler is no slow motion beach jog with Brooke Shields, but at least I have someone in my life that makes me a better person.
Even if nothing in my closet is gold plated.
Eh.
so glad you are blogging once again – you always make me smile and seem to hit the nail on the head (and this is no lie)
Thank you so much Mary! I missed blogging. Being off my rocker isn’t as nearly as fun without it!
Haha I love this!
Thank you Sophie. And I assume you mean the post and not the Wal-mart wine parties, but I’ll be sure to send you a flyer in the mail just in case.
I fell inlove with your blog the first time I read one of the posts!
That happens to me every time I look in the mirror!
you have such a creative imagination, that I can’t help but think of myself. I was in hysterics from the beginning to the end of the post.
i keep giggling while read this. love the blog.
Good, I’ve done my job! I’m always worry people will huddle in a dark closet after reading my posts and I’m quite surprised that hasn’t happened yet.
Very funny! I can really relate to this one.
If you know how to use a Wii you’re definitely invited. Also, bring dip.
This was so funny!! I dont have kids yet but when I picture my life without them it’s always slightly rose tinted and I’m rich and travelling and I live the sort of life where I’m fruit picking in Australia one day and snorkelling in Thailand the next…the reality is I’d be working 9-5, eating tea and watching telly for 50 years hehe
That’s the happy place I go to when I close my eyes right before the spatula hits my face. Ah Australia…SMACK!
I was just thinking about what a failure I am professionally, not really, because I’m a teacher and a great one I might add–most of the time at least. But, I see my peers without children and I just wonder…. I love that you teach children in Uganda. I sometimes teach children in Vietnam, especially on Friday night.
Man, I have that conversation with myself every day. But being single probably means like actually showering or something so I think I’m exactly where I need to be. And oh yes, definitely getting my teaching on tonight!
ahaha this is amazing. particularly the bit about reading to children in uganda. you do seem like a pretty awesome mom though
i literally laughed out loud reading this so thank you for a great start to the day! x
also your blog title makes me smile
You’re hired for, well, I’ll think of something. Meet me at the Walmart parking lot.
I’ll be the one in the gold spray painted shorts.
Perfect. I’ll be the one with bubble gum stuck to the bottom of my flip flop.
It certainly can be a tough gig. I am glad you have your silver lining !
Glad you were Freshly Pressed – your blog is my great “find” of the morning, after my coffee cup, of course. Very enjoyable and fun writing!
Second place to a coffee cup is winning in my book! And that reminds me, I need a refill…
I loved this post. So many great lines but this one at the end made me laugh out loud: “until he catches on that these are not, in fact, friends she met at her church group.”
I can SO relate. My kids have left home so now I can FINALLY volunteer at the local food bank, oh wait – I did that when I had to get away from the little beasties fifteen years ago. I might call up Pam and see if she wants to zip over to Uganda with me while Jim’s at work.
I cannot even let myself imagine all the world-changing things I’d be doing if I wasn’t at home with my kids. Your take on it cracked me right up, though! Congrats on the FP. Funny parenting blogs – especially parenting blogs involving wine – are the best.
Oh my goodness! You are hilarious! I aspire to write something as witty and engaging as this. Well done!
ninja furby = awesome.
I love it!!! Sometimes I do think of all the things I could have done if I hadn’t started having kids at 19, but it is so totally incredible to have a warm 6 year old body snuggle up next to me at night (except when he spins around in the bed and starts kicking me in the head). I’m doing things now that I wouldn’t have dreamed of at 19, and I’m happy doing them, so despite how frustrating they may be sometimes, my kids have brought me to where I needed to be
Also, without kids it’s less of a reminder that they’re smarter than their adults. Man, you are hilarious. We should hang.
You sound so mean, but gotta admit, I know the feeling! *feels the shame* hehe
I heart random funny.
I love it! And our children can never meet – mine is also a freakishly strong soul-eater. Imagine if there were TWO???? Oh, the horror.
A thousand times, yes… It’s better to have a dozen half-written stories because you can’t GET A FREAKING MOMENT ALONE, than because you still haven’t got the spine or morals or perspective of a grown-up, and thus literally can’t write anything worthwhile. Some of us really need tiny children to kick us in the bum.
So glad you tell it like it is because motherhood isn’t always blissful, fun and the best thing since Starbucks on every corner. It is often painful, exhausting and frustrating. But even though I am rasining three mini men, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They do motivate us…to stay in shape…to bob and weave from light sabers, and run up and down the stairs 3000 times each night TUCKING (them tightly) back into bed and inspiring us to be…all that we can be. Even if it is for survival. LOL! Congrats on FP and thanks for sharing! This made my Friday and I may just have to uncork that vino a few hours early to rejoice! Cheers to you!
Thank you so much! Oh yes, I forgot to mention the incredible amount of calisthenics it takes to raise a kid. Someone asked me once how I can stay in great shape without working out that much. I proceeded to laugh and then immediately fell asleep from exhaustion. Thank you for reading!
my kids kept me from being a lady who lunches too much, tipples too much, and only reads about writing but does not write
I am not a lady who lunches much, one glass of wine is all I can handle these days, and I am now, what one loosely calls–a writer
I just ask that they wait on the grandmother bit a while longer — I want to be an old grandmother
Glad you were freshly pressed so I was able to discover and read this blog! You’re hilarious
You are a genius! I enjoyed this a lot!
This is really so funny! Why don’t you take her with you to Uganda to teach???
I wouldn’t it make through the plane ride. She’d lock me in the bathroom and fly the plane to anywhere that served frozen yogurt.
Reblogged this on Harpreet Singh Bedi.
I’m just relieved to know that there is someone out there defacing books written by Jersey Shore Alums… That way I don’t need to be arrested for doing it!
Strength in numbers!
This is hilarious and really well done! I completed agree about the Jersey Shore books…they fall in the same category as anyone who was on The Hills and write books.
Cheers to you,
Courtney Hosny
Haha i really do love your honesty! you do not see much blogs like this.. It was very funny to I had to say. Made by day “)
hilarity.
Thank you for allowing me that perfect spot in my afternoon to laugh. Not at you of course, but of how lovely life is! I am not a mother, but right now I am “mothering/birthing” a project that takes all of my time. Sometimes I cuss (at my head) at it, other times I growl. But I am proud. It is mine, I created it and in some crazy stay-up-all-night-then-wake-up-with-mascara-flakes-on-my-cheek kinda way, it keeps me just sane enough to get up the next day. Here’s to the children who keep us crazy, hungry and alive!
You hit the spatula right on the nose!
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re ever reassessing the meaning of strife, uh I mean life, after a temper tantrum and sharing-refusal episode at someone’s house where you just had the first and last play date…
Remember this guy’s account:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/10/07/proof-of-heaven-a-doctor-s-experience-with-the-afterlife.html
Cheers!
funny,funny, funny! i especially like your take on the shame waddle!
I don’t think people talk about the shame waddle enough. There’s probably a good reason for that I’ve blatantly ignored, but still.
LOVE THIS. I just had a baby, and I already feel as though she is moulding me into a better person- and she can’t even talk yet!
Oh she is! Babies are sneaky that way.
My dear, be creative as you like but you needn’t lie about your resume. Being a parent has taught you multi-skills. Aren’t you a psychologist, a mediator, a diplomat, a chef and a chauffeur? I’m sure that you can add more to those qualifications and elaborate on them. And while being like a mother is like belonging to the Mafia (you can never leave the organisation) there will come a time (believe it or not) when you’re put out to pasture and told ‘well done faithful mum’. That’s when you rush off to Uganda to teach children to read. You will have a small window of opportunity before your children want you to baby sit on Saturday nights. Enjoy.
I don’t have children and the only part I can relate to honestly is the short story part however I can say I actually published a story which is on Lulu and have a non-completed one in the works. Good post.
You must actually buy your toilet paper and not make it. I like your style.
You are very funny. Loved the post. you remind me to make sure that I put humor back in.
Thanks
Res
I’m glad I’ve reminded you of that. Humor can cure anything. Okay, maybe not any serious diseases, but maybe something like a slight cold. I’m pretty sure it could cure something like that. Maybe. And you’re very welcome.
“a volatile Furby-sized ninja”- I love it! I can soooo relate to this. I can feel new grey hairs sprouting right now, as I get kicked in the shins for the umpteenth time tonight, by my little ray of sunshine.
Have you read http://thehonesttoddler.com? You must! It puts a humorous spin on raising a child who’s attempting to maim you. No seriously, it helps!
This is the kind of humor I love, but you’re getting a big shout out from this former English teacher for using the subjunctive correctly, writing “if I WERE” instead of “if I WAS.” Nice.
You noticed! *Blushes*
awesome blog ! loved it !!! you’re so funny !
Just found this blog by chance and it made me snort-laugh the vat of coffee I’m currently consuming. Love it and will definitely be reading more!
As a kid who routinely sucks the life and soul out of her parents-non-intentionally of course-it’s nice to know that you parents do still find meaning in us.
Even though you know that while you’re driving me to my soccer game, you could be chillin’ on the beach with Hall&Oates or whatever’s left of the Beatles.
So from kids everywhere, thanks for putting your lives on hold to drive us to soccer games, wipe our snotty noses and explain what the hell a gerund is when we come running for test prep.
I feel like you are my daughter from the future commenting on my blog. Which really means you are hilarious and too smart for your own good!
Ericka!
Will you look at this…. Congrats!
Le Clown
Thank you! I was pretty shocked!
Congrats on Freshly Pressed!
You sound like a really cool mom and I wish you were mine
But I guess I’ll learn to appreciate mine too…eventually…
I hope.
It’s nice to know we mean something to you guys!
Check mine out too?
Cheers!
P.S – You’re funny
Very hilarious post. I love you opening paragraph. Great hook. I love you how constantly tell random people you teach kids in Uganda that had me rolling. From one mother to another I feel ya. Good post
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
Great post. Congrats on Freshly Pressed
You’re almost there! Soon you’ll be sniffing glue intentionally…then you’ll discover that you have “real” friends and all the subterfuge will just fall away like the Walmart outfits you bought last year…then you just relax into the dreamy swarmy nostaglia of wiping your ass with words that you’ve written yourself…never to hoard again, trusting the muse you see through the sheer pretension of underwear, as do all your friends, and everyone drools into one big communal puddle…