A picture of me teaching children to read in Uganda. Wait, no, it’s just my wine glass again.
My kid? She kills me.
No, I mean she’s feasting on my soul and I feel like I’m aging a mile a minute.
But that’s neither here nor there. The real point to this post is to remind myself that if I never had her, I would not be teaching children to read in Uganda like I mistakenly tell everyone within a three mile radius at least seven times a day:
“You know sweet, darling child of mine, if you didn’t just break off my nose to feed it to the dog, I’d probably be teaching children to read in Uganda right about now. And I’d be sporting a killer tan. And I’d be wearing gold-plated jorts. And Brooke Shields would be my best friend.”
My kid? She’s frustrating. She’s got a spine stronger than mine and she is, in fact, literally stronger than me. She’s smart and confident and often makes me wonder why I thought I was fit to raise a volatile Furby-sized ninja.
But she motivates me. That’s the most surprising part. How she keeps me wanting to do my best AT EVERYTHING no matter how hard she smacks me in the face with our metal spatula. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know what I’d be doing right now. Oh wait. I do:
CHILDLESS ERICKA’S AWESOME RESUME OF FUN
Ericka graduated with honors from the University of Awesomeville and then immediately quit trying. She’s written a dozen half completed short stories that she keeps stacked in her bathroom in case she runs out of toilet paper and isn’t up for a good old fashioned shame waddle. Nobody likes the shame waddle.
When she’s not manufacturing emergency toilet paper, she sponsors a nightly wine club in her home where members sample an assortment of bargain basement wines and a jug of moonshine she concocted that one day when she sniffed too much glue in a Wal-Mart parking lot when attempting to give her seat belt some semblance of safety. How was she supposed to know glue smelled so good?
When she’s not asking fellow Wal-Mart patrons if they’d be interested in drinking a shit ton of booze at her place (she likes Wal-Mart. A lot), you can often find her drunkenly stumbling through the Fiction aisles at Barnes and Noble, throwing loose coins and dried balls of chewed gum at any books written by Jersey Shore cast members or curled up with various copies of Harry Potter, asking an imaginary J. K. Rowling what her secret is and wiping her tears with their pages.
When she’s not hard at work locking herself out of her house or calling the Accidental Glue Sniffers Anonymous hotline, she’s watching reruns of The Office on Hulu and casually mentioning the characters in every day conversation with her husband until he catches on that these are not, in fact, friends she met at her church group. Who want to drink wine at her house in the evenings. From 7:00 to 10:00 p.m. Her mom lets her borrow her Wii. So email her if you’re interested…please.
Anyone that keeps you from accidentally sniffing glue or begging Wal-Mart strangers to drink wine in your place of residence is worth their weight in gold. So life with a preschooler is no slow motion beach jog with Brooke Shields, but at least I have someone in my life that makes me a better person.
Even if nothing in my closet is gold plated.
Eh.
Moms like you rock and your kid is super lucky!!
Aw thank you! She really is the best even if my face feel like it’s on fire most of the time.
lovely i have to say,,…really sweet and funny
… good post
Thank you so much!
Wonderful! The casually mentioning chaacters in everyday conversation as if you actually know them? I thought I was the only one!
Oh no, you are not alone. I’m also good friends with Homer Simpson and that one kid from Glee.
I use that one kid from Glee whenever I make a racist joke, that show’s so ham-fistedly multi-cultural that saying that pretty much covers all bases on the ‘I’m not racist, I even have *insert race here* friends’ line. Which is also my go to chat up line. It’s exactly as successful as it sounds.
The ‘I teach children in Uganda’ is a pretty good line for that too, sometimes I just stand in front of a mirror and say it to myself to convince myself I’m a good person.
Great post! Lots of humor, with some reality thrown in. To be honest, I really want to have kids, and even though I’m starting to feel like it’s too late, the idea of being responsible for another life (and having to make so many personal sacrifices) scares me to death!!! Hats off to a brave, funny mom!
Thank you! I think my problem was not being scared enough. I was an only child and thought this ride was going to be a piece of cake considering I was a golden child…ahem. You learn a lot during the process, and the funny thing is, you learn more about yourself more than anything else! But don’t be too scared. If I, in all my Alf loving, Skecher Shape Ups worshiping glory can handle this gig, I’m sure you could too! Thanks for reading!
Very creative post i must agree!. children can ruin a perfectly good thing. Or they can embrace something magical. Its the way you raise your child in my opinion..
Now that’s the truth. I’m personally raising mine to clean the windows. Can’t really see out of them considering she uses her markers to get the job done, but really, it’s the thought that counts.
This is such a great blog. You are so witty, it’s great fun to read.
That’s really nice of you. I suppose it makes up for my blatant disregard for math.
Witty…sarcastic. And has a desire to teach? Perfect….cause I’d love to have some tips on how to blog like you! http://www.thepiggybankassassins.wordpress.com
Creative way to express a busy life!!!
Thank you!
Definitely relate! I’ve had moments where I’ve thought I’d have done some pretty awesome things if I hadn’t had a child yet. But then I realized that having a kid and being a parent is a pretty awesome thing all by itself
Very true. I mean raising a human to not be a nutcase is actually a pretty huge thing in the long run. Although sometimes I think my my mother took the opposite approach…
This is the first time in ages that I have actually laughed out loud while reading a blog. My days with my toddler are getting more and more hectic thus I am very much looking forward to enjoying a little time out to read your next posts! You just made my day!
Glad I could make you laugh! That’s always my goal along with getting people to understand the awesomeness that are Skechers Shape Ups. Monday’s post is about how to pretend you’re working so as you can tell, this blog is also a wealth of useful information.
I love this! Thank goodness I’m not the only one who has friends from TV!
This makes me wonder what my resume would say. IF I weren’t a Mom. And I’ve been spending a lot of time peddling my resume lately. I have concluded this: If I weren’t a Mom, I’d be really, really boring. Thinner, more fit, but really boring.
TV friends are the best! And boring is the worst so thank goodness for the kids!
Thanks for the follow on my blog, Snide Reply. Looking forward to more creative lies!
Haha just got this! Of course, I am fan of your blog and a fan of your comments here!
I can totally relate! I had my kids at a young age and went back to work soon after they were born. There are still days when I need to remind myself that I’m happy with my lot, even though I’m not gallivanting around the world with a glamorous career and many exotic admirers!
I mentioned above in another comment that raising a human to not be a nut case is a pretty huge job so when you think of it, we’re pretty much rock stars in our own right!
I’d hire you, definitely.
I know, right??
Really funny.
It is hard not to wonder what life would be like w/o children. BTW, I’d be traveling regularly w/multiple cars.
Ah, that would be the life!
I loved this and get it.
Thanks Bunmi!