This is Janet:
She got divorced from a man who considers himself my grandfather. We won’t refer to him from this point on, but just know he’s a stinky, stinky poo poo face to put it maturely.
Now back to Janet.
She needs a boyfriend and when I say “boyfriend” I mean a man who is 60 to 80 years of age, is filthy stinking rich and has spent his life yearning for a granddaughter to spoil and bequeath all his riches to. Oh and he has to have a yacht.
I figure, dear readers, you’d be the best lot to help me find such a man considering you’re social media savvy (Hey, you know what the Internet is! That’s a pretty big deal!), and you want to see pictures of my ass in designer jeans. Naturally.
So let’s work together and make this happen by leaving me links to Grandma’s future boyfriend. Find an article about some old rich dude saving a cat out of a tree? Post the link. Find a picture of some old rich dude shaking another old rich dude’s hand? Post the link. Find some old rich dude muttering to himself on your front stoop? Send him UPS! Okay, don’t do that. I need him in one piece. (And yeah that was a blatant kick in the nuts to UPS who dropped my first Macbook Pro en route to my house. Oh we shall lock horns UPS. We shall lock horns.)
Now let me tell you a little bit about Janet. I have a feeling you’re going to be “shit your pants” impressed:
- Janet enjoys reading, visiting the library and asking her granddaughter 1.2 million times if she’ll take pictures of her sticky, screaming preschooler in the new outfits she bought her.
- She has been known to frequent Best Buy, ask the manager a million questions about the new eBook reader and then let him know that it would be a cold day in hell before she actually bought anything from that store and he should be ashamed of himself. Just because.
- Janet is a working woman and doesn’t have time to play Miss Susie Homemaker. She does however have time to vocally ponder the meaning of life and initiate a conversation with you while you’re painstakingly trying to write a blog post, change a diaper, perform open heart surgery, etc.
- Janet likes church. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
- Janet used to have a dog that was Satan incarnate (RIP Lady) so she’s not against housing feral animals if the situation calls for it.
- If you need constant narration during a movie you’re watching for the first time and you’d like someone to ask you twenty times over “Who’s that guy with the gun?” even though you have no flipping clue who the guy with the gun is and have taken the time to express this vocally, Janet’s your girl.
- Janet has her grandson-in-law on speed dial for any of her auto/computer/”have I taken my meds today?” needs so she’s incredibly wordly.
So there you have it. My grandmother. Not too shabby for an oldie but goodie. She’s smart, easy on the eyes and has been known to get into a number of verbal altercations with Best Buy employees. I guess she gets it from her granddaughter.
Now go find me a rich granddaddy!
*No Grandmas were harmed in the making of this blog post. In fact she keeps asking me when I’m finally going to post about her need for a boyfriend so she can finally find love…and money. Really, just the money.*
Yup. You need some Joe’s Jeans. Let’s get to work on the rich Gramps!
I don’t think it should be too hard. I already have Matlock saved on the DVR and even bought a pipe and some tobacco. Let the games begin!
You had me at stinky stinky poo poo face. Oh my this was funny. Hope Janet has a good sense of humor. I think I’ll just call in sick today so I can go to the swanky assisted living apartment complex and trick or treat for your new grandpa.
Janet read this post and thought it was fabulous and then insisted I talk about her slim ankles and said maybe I should add in a few more photos. Grandmothers. Sheesh.
If there’s one excuse that trumps all other for calling in sick to work, it’s certainly grandpa trick or treating!
I’m not above trolling for a man, especially a rich one, when it’s for a noble cause. By the way. I’m participating in the Blogger Idol at home challenge and this week we are to “pay it forward” by highlighting bloggers we like to read. I think I will do this often, but today, my 4 picks are all blogs that make me laugh out loud-including yours–this is a great post to link to you. I will let you know later when it’s up! It might take awhile, old folks get up early, so I’m on my way to HappyVale Condos with your grandma’s picture and some pudding bait.
That is so incredibly kind of you – the blog post and the pudding!
Well, dammit. If someone makes me squirt milk out my nose, the world needs to know. This world could use a lot more nasal milk squirting. Will keep you posted on the man hunt
A gift for you..and Grandma
http://thecheekydiva.com/2012/10/31/share-the-love-people/
Ericka,
Alright, I’m in. I’m well connected. I once had a conversation with MIchael Ironside, which makes me one degree of separation with Arnold Schwarzenegger, which in return kind of puts me one phone call away from many rich eligible celebrities, like Tom Cruise, although unfortunately for your grand-mother, is a tad too young, and batshit crazy. But I’ll flip my rolodex anytime for you, Ms. CL. Just say the word.
Le Clown
Hmm…well she does enjoy keeping Fox News on just to watch me cry so batshitcrazy Tom might still be in the running…
Thank you for your dutiful assistance Le Clown!
This is so funny! I love that she’s disappointed you didn’t mention her slim ankles (and she’s a great sport). I do not have any connections in the world of rich, old dudes but I have a feeling you will be getting many applicants. Looking forward to the follow-up stories. And the wedding pictures!
Haha thank you! And she really is. I can’t tell you how many times she kept asking, “have you posted it yet??”
If I manage to find you a rich new grandpa who has several million in the bank, may I take a finders fee of £2,000,000 please? The Order have plans to build a new Priory (one that will be purpose built, unlike the current one which is built out of extentions upon extentions upon extentions and is cold, draughty and leaky) and that’s an approximation of how much it’ll cost.
You most certainly may! I’m always in favor of money going to worthy causes like new priories. And my designer jeans.
Designer jeans are definitely a worthy cause! As are roofs that don’t leak, and central heating systems that work.
Agreed!
You crack me up. Poor your grandmother. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.
Please do! Her favorite color is green and she prefers money. I think that’s enough to work with…
She should hook up with Bill Murray. They’d make a cute couple for sure. He is rich but minus the haughtiness (I am guessing).
Oh I like it! And there’s no way Mr. Caddyshack could be haughty. That would be all shades of wrong!