See what I mean? Adorable. A little too adorable.
Well, shit.
I thought to myself today: Hey, lets write a real post about how lonely you feel in this world, Ericka, and then we’ll just include a picture of a pair of Skecher Shape Ups and maybe everyone will be blinded by the way they accentuate the ankle so much they’ll forget all that lonely bullshit you wrote in the first place. And then I trashed that idea.
So then I stopped by The Daily Post for a little blogging inspiration and this happened.
Shit again.
Yesterday was not such a good day. I’ve been sick for the past week with what I assumed was a flesh eating virus strep, but it turned out to be a simple sore throat. Oh and one of my thyroid glands is swollen so it’s been nice knowing ya. But anyhoo, besides that clusterfuck of medical information that now has me panicking beyond belief (although it’s good to know I’m not alone), I also had to take my child trick or treating with a group of other parents which certainly meant I was going to accidentally say the word “penis” nine times and everyone was going to assume I’m a loony tune for genatalia.
That didn’t happen.
What did happen was enjoying a great time with really nice neighbors and watching our kiddos have a blast hunting for candy like my grandmother hunts for men until roughly 7:30 p.m. I only managed to mildly embarrass myself once when my two very nice Christian neighbors casually mentioned a Specs liquor store is going in next to the local grocery store which incited me to jump up and punch the moon in the face shouting, “Really? A Specs? Are you serious?? That’s awesome!! Hey Matt, Matt guess what! They’re putting in a Specs!!” They pretended not to notice in a very obvious way. But besides that, trick-or-treating went relatively well.
Which is why once I got home I managed to create a mental list as well as a verbal list (much to my husband’s “oh please no, sweet baby Jesus!” chagrin) of all the reasons why they must secretly hate us. A couple of noteworthy bullets:
- I look twelve.
- I’m the size of a small gopher.
- I have fabulous ankles. Too fabulous.
- Matt wore gray. He should have worn blue. He’s ruining our lives.
- Ava looked adorable. Too adorable.
- I didn’t eat any candy. They must think I’m a candy hating bitch.
- I’m nearsighted. Too nearsighted.
I proceeded to spend the rest of the night combing through this growing list instead of sleeping because sleeping is for baby pandas and consequently woke up utterly exhausted and mind numbingly depressed.
And very very alone.
I have great things, good people in my life. But I guess I just want to find more friends, more women like me. They don’t have to be carbon copies. That would be no fun and incredibly terrifying, but perhaps if I could find a few women who like to read (real books), drink a glass of wine, enjoy a cup of coffee, make fun of people wearing spandex, hang out in their Skecher Shape Ups, moon helpless policemen while they’re driving, then maybe I’d feel a little less lonesome.
It’s good to know dear readers and fellow bloggers that I’ve got a group of looney tunes like you who kinda sorta know what I mean.
I penis you. I mean love you. Nah, let’s just stick with penis.
same here, so lonely and depressed. Desperate to find my partner.
It can be rough, but hang in their Nafees!
I wish I could but it becoming harder day by day
I’m sorry, Nafees, but I understand. Sending good vibes your way!!
its okay and thank you very much for vibes and feeling sorry for me. It made me feel better a bit. we both aren’t in same reign if we were then we must hang out tonight so I wish you an awesome guy for tonight and all remaining days and nights of your life
I’m free for a remote/virtual book club from the 9th November (when I finish my degree and hopefully regain my sanity, freedom, life, and a clean house – which is paradoxically no life if I’m just going to be spending it cleaning….) any-hoisery, how about we, and any other bloggy folks who would like to provide you with some company, read the same book, at the same time? I’ll let you know what I thought of it via a blog post or comments and will even divulge such details as how many times I indulged in a.) a glass of wine/binge drinking accompaniment, and, b.) resorted to verbal abuse at passing strangers in spandex because the book we decided to read was cak ah and the author turned out to be a fuckwit…… or…… c.) share caffeine and Gumi Bear induced, over the top enthusiasm for the literary masterpiece we have discovered? My only caveat is that we are not reading any Twilight or 50 Shades of cak ah, even if I am the only person left in the western world who hasn’t read them.
Oh you are not alone there! I am so anti-Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray that that’s what I tell people when I first meet them. I don’t even say my name first. And you know, it’s like you can read my thoughts so now I’m even more paranoid. (Thanks for that!) I was actually going to start a Creative Liar book club on goodreads. I didn’t want to do it on the blog because I like to stick to humor/depression pieces (omg I am insane…) on here but putting a link on the blog to the goodreads group would be a great idea. plus, it would give other people a chance to join the club who might not be into blogging (for shame, I know). Let me know your thoughts – glad there’s interest!
I’ve got an account with goodreads so I can ‘meet you there’! I’ve been looking for a bookclub type blog for a while to keep me going until I start Honours next year – and if you like Pina Colada’s and a walk with the insane, you’re definitely my kinda study buddy. I totally get that you want to keep your blog in an established, if a little paradoxical, genre (not that I’m suggesting that depression can’t sometimes actually be humorous at the same time you understand, but when you hit the point that Carrie Fisher so eloquently described as “when the tide has gone out” small talk and jibber jabber just doesn’t cut it does it?). The best part of my degree is that I’ve had to read set texts that I probably would never have dreamed of picking up – some I’ve had to drag myself to the end of because there is assessment on it and some have introduced me to new authors that I’ve loved – much as I’m glad I’ve come to the end of my BA I am going to miss some of the lively debates of tutorials/discussions on such a random selection of novels
How do I get myself invited to this?
I’m going to set up a goodreads book club for us tonight and link it at the top of this blog. I’ll also write a short post about it for this weekend. Glad people are interested!
Pina Colodas and insane walks are two of my favorite things! I’ll set up everything tonight on goodreads and link it to my blog at the top and write a short post about it for this weekend. Looking forward to this!
Not to be nosey and invite myself, but I might qualify for the book club. I hated those books too. P.S. I hope this doesn’t disqualify me but last year I agreed to join a smut book club….and I did. I KNOW!!!! If it helps my credibility, I got kicked out because I couldn’t stop eyerolling and making gagging sounds at the meetings.
Oh you are certainly invited once I get this thing up and going tonight! And the eye rolling and gagging just got you VIP book club status!
SWEEEET!!!
Hahahahaha! I’m picturing that eyerolling and gagging!
tells us the truth… you really hate candy, don’t you?
could us, crazy people, consider the book club idea? please, please , ericka pleaaaaseeee?
Just replied to the book club comment – was thinking of starting a book club on goodreads. Weigh in and let me know what you think!
adorable is right! but never such a thing as too adorable with our own kids
Very true!
I get what you’re saying. I live in a small community that seems filled with perfectly behaved women. I’ve learned to smile and say nothing. I penis you back.
Oh man, I can really feel the penis. I mean love. Crap this is difficult and wonderfully inappropriate… And yes, I know the quiet smile quite well myself!
I always feel the most lonely and the most sorry for myself when I am sick. The real irony is that I can’t stand to be bothered when I’m ill. I want to crawl in a cave and be alone, all the while snapping and biting at anyone who approaches. But if they didn’t try…
Hope you feel better soon!
The sickness does really draw it out. Can’t wait till this episode is over. I’d really love to swallow without inducing a cry fest again! And thank you so much!
I’m the Mom the other Mom’s look cross-eyed at any time she walks in. Which is fine. Whatever. I don’t need them. I like my cowboy boots and using variants of the word “fuck” to get my point across, It’s a good solid word, not as solid as Penis of course but a good word non-the-less! I always knew their were other looney tunes out there, it just took starting a blog to find out where they were hiding!
Us looney tunes do love our Internet! Cowboy boots and variants of the word “fuck”? I knew I liked you.
Ericka,
One would think that a post starting with “Well, shit” would be magnificent™, right? Well, shit… yes. I didn’t bother reading the rest: it could have never competed with your intro.
Le Clown
Well that’s what I thought so I threw “penis” in there a few times for good measure. Just like that old saying, “I’ll see your shit and raise you a penis.” Or maybe I made that up. I’m not even sure anymore.
Ericka,
You see? You have written “penis” in your first sentence and I read it until the first period. I’m sure the rest of your comment was just fine…too. I think.
Le Clown
This is me announcing my candidacy for “friend” (which isn’t needy or weird at all). I know how to read. Big words, even. Like “amirite” and “loquacious”. I don’t own those shoes, but I feel like I should so I could pretend that I’m always exercising. Wine and I go way back. We’ve both gotten cheaper and easier with age. Coffee and I are romantically involved. I have coffee in my mouth right now.
I live far from you (I assume) which is kind of good, because I flake out a lot and cancel plans at the last minute. I’m moody like that, and probably dying of something incurable anyway.
I am not the size of a gopher, unless that gopher is 5’10″ and a size 18. Are you in Texas? I hear everything is big in Texas, including gophers.
So, I’ll let you mull that over. No rush.
There are so many things about your comment that have renewed my faith in humanity. Or at least people I meet on the Internet.
You know, my husband has pointed out that I do get asked to do things with other people fairly often and I say “sure” out of guilt and then cancel the last minute by throwing my phone in a closet and running away. This may be part of the reason I feel lonely but what am I supposed to do? Put on pants and brush my hair?? No thank you, sir. No thank you.
And gophers are beautiful no matter what size. It’s science.
Oh and we’re officially friends now. Deal with it.
Oh my gosh, that’s what I do! And then the phone runs out of batteries and I can’t find it because I forgot that it’s in the closet and it won’t ring anymore.
On a ‘real books’ note, did you know that reading Brave New World and 1984 for 50 hours straight before a Political Science exam is just as effective as studying? It rearranges your brain to understand the subject. Not so much with reading Evelina for the entire 18 hours before an Anthropology exam. That was stupid.
Sigh, I miss university. It was a horrible place, but I needed less evidence to believe I was smart. At home I am outwitted by children all day.
Love you too! And I solemnly swear to hug anyone who introduces her/himself as “I Hate 50 Shades Of Grey.”
I thought I wrote a comment to this and now I remember I was in the middle of it and then my boss walked in which induced a spastic “pretend like I’m really doing work” dance which involved hitting my stapler a few times for no apparent reason. But seriously, why are children so smart???? And I think I might just add a hug whenever I announce I hate 50 Shades to people. Maybe it will really send the message home. Or maybe it will get me arrested. I’m willing to take that chance.
Ya know CL, when my girls were little I felt exactly the same way you do now. Happily I found that if I didn’t try to behave and just put it out there that this is me and I’m not changing to impress any of you Stepford Wives, that many of them weren’t Stepford at all. And those that were, I dropped like a bad habit, if I ever dropped any of my bad habits which I don’t. Well I don’t lie as much as I used to. I lied yesterday about why I was late to work and said my alarm didn’t go off but in reality I just drank too much wine the night before and slept in.
I wanna do a book club!!!
You know I do find at times I am my own worst enemy in that I truly understand that the women I think won’t “get” me are probably misunderstood themselves. And even the ones who actually don’t are probably just too scared to step outside the box and be who they really are which is kind of depressing in its own way. I like your style, Maggie. I think I need to take that approach and start being “me” and not worrying about it (although I have a black belt in worrying so it might take some time).
I’ll have a link up to the club tonight at the top of the blog! Please join!
oh yay, I am on it!
I feel you so hard. I am desperate to find mommy friends in real life as awesome as the ones I’ve found through my blog and I have no idea how. Mainly because I hate meeting new people – it’s so tiring not to use what my husband calls my “judging face”. lol.
Seriously, though…if you find a way to meet cool moms that like to enjoy books, wine, and saying fuck, then let me know. For real.
We need to do a blog conference for women who don’t suck. Do they make those?? And in the mean time, I’m starting an online book club on goodreads tonight that I’ll be posting the link to at the top of my blog. If you enjoy reading and drinking in the privacy of your own home and blabbing about it online please join!
There must be one somewhere. Or we could all switch off meeting up in each other’s cities. I’m already on goodreads, so I will definitely check out your book club.
Can we be forever friends? I can’t behave in public due to crippling social anxiety, I love wine, and I haven’t had a rational conversation with an adult in the daytime in at least 6 months. Maybe more, but my memory is shot.
We can so be forever friends. And who needs rational when there’s wine as I always say? Or at least as I began to say once I realized large groups make me feel icky…
I’ll be your penis buddy.
I just ordered you a “Best Penis Friends Forever” necklace. It should look great with your work apparel.
I’ll wear it under my shirt, so it’s less visible and also closer to my heart. Win-win.
Haha! “Looney tune for genatalia”? Really? How do you come up with this stuff.
Random fact: My two pairs of sandals are Sketchers Shape-Ups. So you share footwear with a trainee-nun. Not sure if it will help or anything.
One of my friends when I was at uni used to say “sleep? Isn’t that just a poor substitute for caffeine?” I think he was quoting someone else but I don’t know who.
I always thought I’d make a good nun so this makes sense. You know except for the occasional potty mouth and poop references. But nobody’s perfect. Ha! Love that sleep quote!
You should hear my internal monologue when I’m tired! Fortunately, it’s internal, but it is definitely not nun-friendly! Well, not the majority of them, anyway…
I like the honesty!
Don’t see much point in being anything else! We all get tired and cranky and down right fed up at times, and sometimes it’s the fault of other people and sometimes it’s not and a good swear (even if only in your head) can relieve some tension, regardless of what a person is or does.
Can we please get married? But I do like a penis, so this may pose as a problem in considering our physical relationship for the long haul. I have a solution however, because I’m brilliant. We should become besties. You see, our paths have crossed for a reason. There is no way you can tell me beyond a shadow of a doubt that being brought together by a french-canadian clown is not some sort of a penis, I mean omen. I just started reading you and already I have butterflies.
Penis,
Tracy
Seeing that your comment included clowns, penises and butterflies, I think its safe to say you’re already in my will.
Aah, just read your book list, quite a few are favourites of mine so I will have to check out the ones I haven’t gotten round to yet!
Awesome! Hoping to add a few more to that list when I get a little time!
I just found you, and I totally penis your blog. Must follow!
Haha thank you! After this post and replying to the comments I just know I’m going to accidentally say “I penis you” to my husband. But knowing what he knows about me, he probably won’t blink an eye…
Do you have the same neighbors as I do?
I, too, would dance for joy if a liquor store was coming in near my grocery – hello one stop shopping!
You need to move into my neighborhood! Block party!
I am no where as funny as you are. Thankfully your sense of humor brightens my days because I too suffer from some loneliness. More than I’d like to admit. I also suffer from a little depression once in a while, mostly seasonally. Minnesota winters can be a bitch.
Anyway, I’d love to say I penis you .. but I believe they are evil demons at the moment. So, I’ll just keep it basic and say.. I adore you. Simple and straight to the point. Thankful I found your blog.
“Some days are better than others, and days without coffee are much more manageable.” That means a lot and thank you. I’m glad I can make you smile. It’s what I try to do even though a lot of times my funny posts come from places of hurt. It’s strange, but that’s my process. “I adore you” is just fine and “I adore you” right back! I really do love your photographs. Keep at it – they’re beautiful to see!
I’m sorry I’m so late, Ericka. I’m still catching up with everyone’s posts.
For starters, I really wish you had posted a photo of your ankles. You can’t tease us like that. Secondly, although I know you don’t love looking twelve, I envy you. I haven’t looked twelve since I was nine. Thirdly, shame on Matt. I understand where you’re coming from here because sometimes Mr. Weebles will sit or stand in a position that I know is causing people to dislike us as a couple. I hate that.
If I lived near you, I’d totally hang out with you and rag on Spandex wearers with you. And I’d eat candy with you and drink coffee and/or wine with you and read books with you and tell you how awesome I think gophers are, and say “penis” at really inappropriate times.
I guess my point here is that I get where you’re at. And like all the fine folks here who commented before me, I think you’re groovy. I wish I could hang out with so many of the great people here, including you.
So for what it’s worth, I’m sending you a big virtual bear hug. Penis.
Oh Madame Weebles thank you so much for the comment! How are you doing? I know things have been crazy up your way to say the least, and I hope things are getting back to normal for you. Haha, and I know. Men, ruining our lives with their shirt colors and physical positions!!
Seriously though, thank you! I’m thankful to have blogging at least to find all the other whack jobs out there, and I of course use “whack job” as a term of endearment. Penis right back.
If you lived close by, we would probably have more fun than you could handle. But then, my twisted way of thinking would alienate you, and it would take a very long time for me to recover. Alas. Sweet post.
I love this post! It is so honest, funny and true!
And your comments cracks me up – it feels good reading this!
I’m glad I made you feel good and I appreciate you stopping by! I’ve started to realize there are more people out there like me which is nice to know. It’s also somewhat terrifying.