Step one: be me. Hahaha, no that’s not all the way accurate even though it very much is. But there are still ways you can be attractive to men even if you didn’t rip through my mother’s abdomen as a newborn and then proceed to hold up a finger when she wanted to swaddle you because you were still reading your infant sized copy of David Sedaris’ When You Are Engulfed in Flames. (She was a tad put out by that, but let’s face it: her daughter harbors an inexplicably rageous hatred for any shoe other than Skechers Shape Ups and is the proud owner of a working email account, so I think we can all agree I turned out just fine.)
This “how-to” post was inspired by the uber hilarious Becca at 25ToFly who has been relying on her devastating good looks and charming personality to win men over. Ameteur. Right now I’m going to pull out the big guns to show all you single ladies out there how to really land a man who can never find the extra toilet paper and once accidentally sent a naughty text to my grandmother. (You’ll get your cellphone back when I say so, Matthew.)
So without further ado…How to Make Men Think You’re Attractive:
- Men like it when you’re not trying. So don’t. You know how he says things like “You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’d be just as beautiful without it”? Prove him wrong.
- Men like it when you take a vested interest in things they like. If he likes football? Dress like a football. If he likes hockey? Buy a hockey stick and practice your moves near his car. If he likes bean and cheese burritos? Eat ten of them during his cousin’s christening. He’ll never make that mistake again!
- Sometimes men say things like “Dude, why did you just snip off some of my hair? Not cool.” Just laugh and wave the scissors around your head in a jovial fashion. They’ll admire your childlike sense of wonder.
- Sometimes men need your help, and when you help them they think things like “I would totally give up having sex with random women to be the father of her children.” I’ve been known to do things like wash my man’s car and iron his shirts. Sure, the soap turned out to be paint thinner and nobody told me you can’t iron clothes with a lit match but details aren’t what make you attractive. Nakedness is.
- The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s why putting sleeping pills in his food is a good idea for two very important reasons: 1) He’ll forget how much your cooking tastes like a roasted foot. 2) You can Instragram pictures of the two of you “snuggling” then accidentally send one to Melanie Haberkorn who in the sixth grade said no boy would ever snuggle with you even if he were comatose. Showed that skank!
- Dancing is an art form all men appreciate. It’s important to reveal your moves at the perfect time like when his parents invite you over for dinner or when he’s crying because his cat ran away. Let your gyrations wipe his tears.
- Change your name to Gertrude. It will remind him of the great aunt he was very close to. Don’t forget to offer him a handful of Werther’s Original stuck in a used Kleenex whenever he calls you by name.
- Buy and wear copious amounts of underwear. Men like underwear so much because they’re incredibly fearful of accidentally seeing their mothers naked. You can trust me on this. I have a doctorate in psychology. Actually it’s just a regular degree in creative writing, but I still force my husband to call me Dr. Ericka. I call him Toodles.
- Showering should be optional and yoga pants are an aphrodisiac. Men like knowing you claim a scent that hasn’t been funneled into a plastic bottle at Bath and Body Works and yoga pants just scream “I’m so comfortable, I think I’m going to do you later!!” You’re not, but he doesn’t need to know that.
- Tattooing your initials on someone after they’ve eaten a plate of sleepy food is not a crime as long as it’s done in a place that’s not entirely visible. Two words: butt cheeks. Two other words: rabid giraffes.
What’s that? You’re already married and you’ve only gotten to step number three?? Damn right you are! It just takes a little underwear and a little crushed up ambien to ensure a lifetime of happiness with a man who accidentally sent a naked photo of himself to your sister. (Ten more months, Matthew. Ten more months.)
How do you attract guys or girls or both or giraffes?
*Be sure to stop by Black Box Warnings today to learn a little more about my struggle with social anxiety and depression. It’s in no way funny, but in every way true. Sorry about being a downer all of a sudden. Poop on a stick. That’s better.