Me, just sitting in a parking lot, waiting for a butt load of guys to “get with this.” Or as I like to call it: “every day.”
Step one: be me. Hahaha, no that’s not all the way accurate even though it very much is. But there are still ways you can be attractive to men even if you didn’t rip through my mother’s abdomen as a newborn and then proceed to hold up a finger when she wanted to swaddle you because you were still reading your infant sized copy of David Sedaris’ When You Are Engulfed in Flames. (She was a tad put out by that, but let’s face it: her daughter harbors an inexplicably rageous hatred for any shoe other than Skechers Shape Ups and is the proud owner of a working email account, so I think we can all agree I turned out just fine.)
This “how-to” post was inspired by the uber hilarious Becca at 25ToFly who has been relying on her devastating good looks and charming personality to win men over. Ameteur. Right now I’m going to pull out the big guns to show all you single ladies out there how to really land a man who can never find the extra toilet paper and once accidentally sent a naughty text to my grandmother. (You’ll get your cellphone back when I say so, Matthew.)
So without further ado…How to Make Men Think You’re Attractive:
- Men like it when you’re not trying. So don’t. You know how he says things like “You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’d be just as beautiful without it”? Prove him wrong.
- Men like it when you take a vested interest in things they like. If he likes football? Dress like a football. If he likes hockey? Buy a hockey stick and practice your moves near his car. If he likes bean and cheese burritos? Eat ten of them during his cousin’s christening. He’ll never make that mistake again!
- Sometimes men say things like “Dude, why did you just snip off some of my hair? Not cool.” Just laugh and wave the scissors around your head in a jovial fashion. They’ll admire your childlike sense of wonder.
- Sometimes men need your help, and when you help them they think things like “I would totally give up having sex with random women to be the father of her children.” I’ve been known to do things like wash my man’s car and iron his shirts. Sure, the soap turned out to be paint thinner and nobody told me you can’t iron clothes with a lit match but details aren’t what make you attractive. Nakedness is.
- The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s why putting sleeping pills in his food is a good idea for two very important reasons: 1) He’ll forget how much your cooking tastes like a roasted foot. 2) You can Instragram pictures of the two of you “snuggling” then accidentally send one to Melanie Haberkorn who in the sixth grade said no boy would ever snuggle with you even if he were comatose. Showed that skank!
- Dancing is an art form all men appreciate. It’s important to reveal your moves at the perfect time like when his parents invite you over for dinner or when he’s crying because his cat ran away. Let your gyrations wipe his tears.
- Change your name to Gertrude. It will remind him of the great aunt he was very close to. Don’t forget to offer him a handful of Werther’s Original stuck in a used Kleenex whenever he calls you by name.
- Buy and wear copious amounts of underwear. Men like underwear so much because they’re incredibly fearful of accidentally seeing their mothers naked. You can trust me on this. I have a doctorate in psychology. Actually it’s just a regular degree in creative writing, but I still force my husband to call me Dr. Ericka. I call him Toodles.
- Showering should be optional and yoga pants are an aphrodisiac. Men like knowing you claim a scent that hasn’t been funneled into a plastic bottle at Bath and Body Works and yoga pants just scream “I’m so comfortable, I think I’m going to do you later!!” You’re not, but he doesn’t need to know that.
- Tattooing your initials on someone after they’ve eaten a plate of sleepy food is not a crime as long as it’s done in a place that’s not entirely visible. Two words: butt cheeks. Two other words: rabid giraffes.
What’s that? You’re already married and you’ve only gotten to step number three?? Damn right you are! It just takes a little underwear and a little crushed up ambien to ensure a lifetime of happiness with a man who accidentally sent a naked photo of himself to your sister. (Ten more months, Matthew. Ten more months.)
How do you attract guys or girls or both or giraffes?
*Be sure to stop by Black Box Warnings today to learn a little more about my struggle with social anxiety and depression. It’s in no way funny, but in every way true. Sorry about being a downer all of a sudden. Poop on a stick. That’s better.
Awesome advice. As both a guy and a person of the male gender, it’s helpful to know the tricks so I can be wary. I’d type more here, but I just finished a plate of pasta my wife brought me, and I’m so….sleepy….oh, so sleepy…
That’s right, just enjoy the sleepy pasta. Don’t fight it!
Think I’ll make my daughter read this. She’s too young to date but it’s wonderful prep….;)
Preparation is key when it comes to this sort of thing. So is not being afraid of restraining orders.
When you cannot acquire Ambien (or have used up your script) a peppermint schnapps of children’s benadryl will work in a pinch.
Ah, I see we have a professional man attractor in our midst. And here I thought children’s benadryl was just to help me get through family reunions!
lol
1. I swear that before I even read word number one after the title, I was thinking to myself, “Oh, that’s simple, be Erika… or me of course”.
2.Thank you for acknowledging my novice attempts at the art of picking up men with the old school tactics. Thanks also for bringing me up to speed.
3. I can confirm that nakedness = attractiveness. I can also vouch for the fact that naked gyrations = pure mania. Just saying.
Naked gyrations…hmmm, never even thought of that one. The student has become the master!
But, what if, by some strange freak of nature, someone didn’t want to be attractive to men?
Well, I say “freak of nature”, I think I really mean “act of God”.
Then you must brush your teeth and comb your hair. Men hate that.
Oh, good. I already do that.
Do you think wearing a habit would help? (Something else I already do…)
Hahahahaha, this is great advice! I’m embarrassed to admit the showering thing is a tactic I’ve tried. …Okay, not tried, it’s just more of a sad, unfortunate circumstance of dating a woman as vile and disgusting as I am.
Hey don’t sell yourself short! Some of the best women out there have been known not to shower on a regular basis. Like me.
I’ve already printed this out and highlighted these tips so that I can refer to them as needed. Thank you, thank you for this.
You’re very welcome. Feel free to wear them as a shirt so men can read how attractive you are, too.
I was trying to pick a favorite, but I can’t because they’re all too perfect.
My favorite is sleepifying someone’s food. True love should make you sleepy.
He didn’t really do that did he??
Haha no! Matt and I have an understanding that I get to bust his balls online and in return, I won’t set fire to any of his favorite things. But really, isn’t compromise what relationships are all about?
OK that’s a good marriage.
Ericka,
I will make this obligatory literature for my 2 1/2yr old daughter. Once she 3 of course. I do have standards.
Le Clown
I’ve already made Ava a sweater with these tenets knitted right into them. My competitive knitting team was very impressed.
Ericka,
Here it is: http://nikmariegreen.wordpress.com/2012/11/08/how-to-find-a-man/
This post inspired me to write something similar. More of a “how to meet a man” kind of thing. I linked mine, to this post. Fyi
Thanks for the inspiration!!
nikmariegreen
How do I attract women? I just pull down my pants and show off my glory. Only been arrested 3 times and rest of the times… “Sexy results.” And by sexy result I mean getting kicked in the cock.
Nothing like a painful sexy result to wake you right up!
I will put these to work immediately…and show up for my date with no makeup, wearing my yoga pants, and I’ll bring sleeping pills for our ‘dinner’. Thanks Ericka! (I hear wedding bells!)
I do too! In fact, instead of a wedding dress, just wear the yoga pants!
I recommend combining numbers 6 and 8.
Guaranteed to work or your money back!
“I’m so comfortable, I think I’m going to do you later!!” You’re not, but he doesn’t need to know that.
I knew it!!!
Lol, great post. Looking forward to catching up on your old posts and reading your new ones.
Thank you Brad! I guess our secret is out!
You may be the perfect woman, Ericka.
Now that’s something we both can agree on.