- Listen, I don’t want to make fake food with you on the Internet. I hardly want to make real food in real life. I really just want someone to make the food and then feed me while brushing my hair and telling me I have the skin tone to pull off vermillion. But who doesn’t want to live the American Dream?
- Pictures of yourself in different outfits doesn’t do it for me. Pictures of you tricking Dave Coulier into believing you think he’s funny would.
- Wait…what was that? You had a baby?? I must have missed the memo. Oh no wait. There it is. Everywhere.
- I have this weird thing where letters have to spell real words and numbers can’t replace letters. I know. I’m looking into it.
- Hi mom. Fancy meeting you on the one place you never existed before.
- Shouting your political stances at me has really made me understand your side of the argument. Let’s get off this silly thing and hold hands in public. Or violently punch each other in the face.
- Is that a placenta???
- Posting pictures of your cat dressed up as different Twilight characters has really renewed my faith in valium.
- If you poke me again, I’ll break your cat.
- I like how you think Fifty Shades of Gray is a “gripping novel.” Oh wait. No I don’t.
- So your profile pic is no longer that one of you making out with your best friend, huh? People with eyes thank you.
- You’re “tired”? What is this gypsy concept you speak of? It’s fascinating.
- Fine, I get it. It’s a placenta. Good for you.
- You ever notice how life is exactly like an emo song? Yeah, thought you would.
- Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party even though I don’t know who you are and you live in another country. And no, I’m not interested in a “rageous good time” unless it involves writing fake fan letters to Dave Coulier while being fed.
- Grandma?? Who told you how to turn on the computer???
- Dad, if you mention me in a status update again about the time I had a diaper explosion, I’m going to invite you to make fake food with me.
- Matthew, if you don’t take down that photo of the time I bit into that burrito and got it all over my shirt, I’m going to teach Grandma how to find your profile. And she pokes. Hard.
- You’re going to raise your baby “gender free” huh? So you’re the one who’s been stealing my valium.
- Look at you getting all married again. Times seven.
- It’s okay that you unfriended me just like it’s okay I slashed your tires. I’m glad we’ve worked this out.
Why did you deactivate your Facebook account? And if you haven’t, tell me why you would.
I deactivated my account within about 10 minutes of realizing I got upset when someone rejected my friend request. I permanently deleted my account after photo recognition became a thing. And reason 6 above has me especially glad lately that I don’t have an account!
I know, I feel so much freer not being involved in that political hubbub. Lets just all be nice to each other and fake tweet Dave Coulier on Twitter.
3-7-15 <— So funny!
Thank you sir!
I walked past someone recently, and had one of those weird moments where you stare at one another, thinking ‘that person looks vaguely familiar.’ By the time I got home I had worked out that this was an old school friend. I wouldn’t recognise them if I bumped into them in the street, but from Facebook I know more about them than I do about my own sister. Just too bizarre. Time to hit the ‘unfriend’ button for me.
That was always the worst! I used to live in a smaller city where basically every mom knew every other mom (at least on FB) so I’d walk past someone not being able to place them knowing exactly what they had for breakfast. It was horrifying.
Hahahah! I love this so hard. Let me tell you why I CAN’T yet delete my Facebook account:
You post incessantly about your drug addiction and your trips to NA meetings, yet this addiction you speak of is to pot. …When did marijuana become a narcotic? Thank you for tying me to Facebook until I find out when you “relapse” and/or go back to jail.
Oh man, that would have me on the edge if my seat, too, and I’m not sure if I could have broken away not knowing the answer either. I sometimes find myself thinking “I wonder if her tongue ring infection finally did clear up…” And then I smack myself hard in the face. Facebook. It gets in the veins.
Status update from the person I’m referencing: I am currently lost in cyber space LOL
…I even had one of my coworkers add him (she doesn’t even know him personally), because he’s too entertaining. I can’t possibly NOT promote this train wreck of a human being to everyone I know.
I have de-activated for longer time,and then back in game and added only closest friends/family members that I regularly talk to.. only because every time I ask their pictures and they would point me to face book.. this was inevitable.
I think that’s the best way to do it. It can get crazy when you realize the majority of people you know on FB were people you met wasted at a party in college. Not like I would know or anything…
Ha I blocked anyone who posted pictures of their cats….but not dogs… maybe I need the Valium ?.Keep up the good work !!
Thank you Bryan! Just make sure the mother of a gender neutral baby doesn’t snatch it!
Ericka,
If I Instagramed, I would Instragram my comment for you, using a Valencia filter. Now that would be something I would share on Facebook. I could perhaps Hipstamatic my Instagram too, while I Foursquare my location on the blogosphere.
Le Clown
My brain just exploded. Just as well, I wasn’t using it much anyway.
Haha! Well, where shall I begin, I permanently deleted mine & now I just hear what i’m up to from others, it’s better than your reasons: 2, 3. 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 – phew… yes, all that happened on my fb…
High five to a fellow deleter! I’m glad you’ve decided there’s better things to do in life like becoming president of Dave Coulier’s fake fan club and placing ads on Craigslist for a professional hair brusher. Or maybe that’s just me…
I’ve been guilty of #5, #9, and I’m tired of #15 happening. I got invited to an “event” once, showed up, and no one else was there. So now I just “decline” them all. I really need to go through and de-friend all my kids old friends who thought it would be cute to friend their friend’s mom, but who are now adults and no longer stay in touch with my kids. It makes me feel kind of creepy.
Haha, well at least you’re not guilty of #8. #8 is just unforgivable.
Okay, I just remembered a good one. I got invited to participate in a colonoscopy. Yes. See, he sent it out to all of us who graduated together knowing our doctors would be encouraging us to get one this year. So I neither declined nor accepted, as I really don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. HOWEVER . . . . I did see there is an option to submit a photo. That alone might get me in for the test!
That. Is. Epic. That reminds me. My yearly gynecology appointment is coming up. Too bad I deactivated my account so I can’t invite my closest 800 friends to it!
This yearly vag appointment you speak of, will there be cocktails and finger sandwiches? If so, count me in! I will come, take pictures, and tag you in them. Oops, guess I can’t because you have fallen off the FB radar. Bummer!
I don’t usually do these types of things, but let’s see how many of you read my statuses…
Jesus is trying to be my friend via my relatives on Facebook. Ugh..he’s so needy.
The drunk pictures of my friends dry humping each other.
The friend that only seems to post about the weather.
The people that think liking a picture of a sad girl with Cancer is going to save her life.
100% agree with what I just said, but only 30% will repost. Will you?
Oh my those were the worst! “Don’t you think this little girl is pretty just the way she is? It just takes two seconds to “like” this photo so she doesn’t get any sicker.” What the frack was that about??
Also, your friends sound kind of fun.
They ARE tons o’ fun. Maybe I just don’t like their pictures anymore because I’m really effing jealous they are out partying it up.
Then I think about the hangovers I used to have and I’m like…eh. Nevermind.
Oh yeah, no no, I wouldn’t want the hangovers! Maybe just to have a glass of wine and referee so nobody falls off the bar. I think I smell a new part time job…
A Designated Driver program that hangs out with you and makes sure you don’t do stupid shit all night? Or lets you do just enough stupid shit to get some good pictures, but not kill yourself or others. Hmmmmm….I could make a killing here.
I haven’t deleted it yet, though 4, 6, 10, 15, 16, 21 and most recently 17 have me real close to doing so! That and the people who leave messages on my wall for my husband, who hates computers. Just write him a letter and mail it if you don’t want to call him. Do I look like his secretary?
Oh that would be aggravating. I would just pretend to be him and make up bizarre answers. “Hey it’s George here! Well, the aliens came back last week but I just fashioned this new metal helmet so I think everything will work out fine. I’ll keep you updated!”
I have never had an account but did pretend to be my wife a fair bit with some of our friends………she changed her password after a few folks admonished for being horrible (she is horrible, it’s just that she is so much better at hiding it than I am).
I think we may be onto something here, what if we all (re) started up accounts and then exchanged passwords with a few random people registered at face – crooks (go ahead and steal this / run with this if it interests you). Not everyone will be up for completely handing over their identity so others can create a total shit show of a profile, but maybe we could “lease” log ons for a weekend when someone is tired of being their regular self………it could be a great gag to follow up with a few friends and say ” oh yeah, I loaned my book out a while back – just for kicks.” At some point this will replace stripper grams and phone taps, a well crafted service could probably start charging for “jazzing things up” for Rutted Regulars…….when the money starts rolling in just slide me 66.6% of the first million.
RidicuRyder
Haha I like this idea, pretending to live someone else’s life via Facxebook. I think you have something here!
Incessant photos of babies, reminders that my idiot friends from high school are still idiots, unnecessary photos of what people had for lunch. Yeah. But I’ll say my mom being on Facebook is still what bothers me most.
Haha that’s always a shock isn’t it? My mom’s pretty cool so I never really had a problem with it (she just lets me bust her balls as long as I send her to the “good” nursing home…hi mom!), but I remember when FB was just me and the other college kids and now I’m like “Hey there great aunt Alice. You’re right. The dentist did do a fabulous job on your new set of dentures.” Sigh.
I didn’t de-activate my account, I probably never will because of the number of friends that I have moved away from but still keep in touch with regularly. But, I did recently remove almost 25% of my friends list for almost all the reasons you have listed here.
It’s healthy to cut the extra “noise” as I call it. If they don’t know your middle name, or heck, even your first then I think it’s perfectly okay to hit the “unfriend” button!
People who have my actual email address and used to communicate with me via real email, but now that we’re facebook friends they seem to think a fb message is somehow a better form of communication…I want to slap those people with a fence post.
Oh that’s aggravating! Yeah, short blips in a FB message isn’t anything like a thoughtful email. Perhaps there’s a sale at Home Depot…
I don’t have a cat but OMG I just know U R going to love my dogs, 4 realzyl!!. Pics on the way.
doggiez 4 evaaa!!!
My mom is not on Facebook. I told her the world out there isn’t as friendly as it should be. I’m getting tired of hearing what everyone else likes. Who cares if you ‘like’ to shop at WalMart? I don’t. I don’t need to care.
I know! I started to find that FB was somehow hypnotizing me into believing I needed to know way more about people than humanly necessary. I feel like I have more brain space now. That I shall fill with trash television.
At least trash television is honest. Seeing people dress up in different outfits or take pictures of their food is just glamourizing. (I know that’s not a word, but it sounds like it should be).
I don’t read my Facebook page. I only go on Facebook to play games. I’m thinking of creating a page where no one knows who I am, but then I would lose all those BingoBlitz credits that I’ve worked so hard to build up.
Here’s my favorite reason for deactivating my page:
Because people insist on inviting me to their flipperware/naughty nighties/overpriced “gourmet” extravaganza/jewelry that turns my skin black parties using this method. When I run into them and they ask me why I did not respond/attend, I tell them that I don’t really read my Facebook page and inviting me (or anyone else) to this bullshit using this method is stupid and they deserve the low turnout that they got. Yeah. People love me. I’ve been unfriended a time or two. Whatevs.
Oh yeah, people selling stuff like that on FB always made me uncomfortable. I got bombarded with so many weight loss/work out products that I almost started to get a complex! And I like that you’re up front and honest. There’s no other way to be!
If anyone sent me weight loss/workout shit… I would leave cheese danish on their doorstep with a nicely worded note… if ya know what I mean. LOL.
Are we the same person? Just kidding of course… but you do write all the things I can never say
Thank you for that. hehe….
I haven’t yet taken my account down but somedays it’s tempting. I think I keep it out of morbid curiosity. But you’ve got me thinking. I have blocked most people’s updates so I don’t see them unless I go looking. My sister is selling shares in some weight loss pyramid scheme at the moment AND she posts about 600 pictures a day of her kids. She’s on my last nerve. I might defriend her first and then see where the mood takes me. It might be a slippery slope.
I think I am in love with you. Glad we got that out there in the open. Now excuse me while I go post some obscure quote on my page to make people ask me what’s wrong just so I can tell them that I don’t want to talk about it.
I had a friend that did that all the time and then would repost the same thing worded slightly differently because nobody asked what was wrong the first time. Okay, fine it was me.
This was very funny stuff. I loved it. I totally wish I had the skin tone to pull off vermillion, and I never cared for Joey Gladstone.
Thank you! And a very wise gentleman, I see.
I’m too bored to deactivate my account. I wait for the post that will make my day. And this is it and it’s going up on my FB
I need to hook you up with Amy West. You two are peas in a crazy, good-mom, funnier than hell pod.
I know of Amy! And yes, she’s certainly my level of crazy which I, for one, truly appreciate. Funny woman!
I have not deactivated my FB – but I want to when I see this shit: Dying Babies. Burn Victim Babies. Burn Victim Dying Puppies. I’m eating right now you f***tards!! Or I’m not eating, but I’m just sitting here perusing bullshit online and you have to pop THAT in to mix? I delete you immediately. I stay…THEY go.
Those are the worst. It’s horrible they’re even created and even more horrible that I knew people who always posted them!
ooh, I would, except I think there is an art to the FB status—witty, erudite, but not too smarmy or sappy. Plus, I am relying on FB to stay around to document the funny things my kids say since I never get around to writing them down on paper. Placenta? I hardly knew ya.
“Placenta? I hardly knew ya.” Haha! And I get about wanting to document the kiddos lives. Fortunately for my daughter, I’ve written and saved a number of blog posts about her so I hope her future boyfriend is up for a reading fest!
I deactivated my account for a while during Hurricane Irene last year because people were saying stupid things like “GET AT ME BRO”. They thought the Hurricane could read and be threatened enough not to touch them. I may or may not have stolen your Valium.
Good god this is hiliarious. The thing that’s going to put me in prison over FB is when I see one more effing picture with the word YOLO underneath it.
“Your honour, please review Exhibit A…a picture of the victim in a toga trying to make his cat drink his used bong water, captioned with the word YOLO underneath. Upon seeing it, I had no choice but to go to his house, wait for him to come out, and drive over him with my car, yelling ‘I got yer YOLO right here!’”
“Again, please look at that picture, your honour. The defence rests.”
Hmmn… I got quite close to de-activating my account when some bloke from church got all upset at my (male) cousin having posted a picture of us at his birthday party. Said bloke from church promptly got de-friended & blocked, as the idiot seemed to think that my life would somehow be better and more fulfilled if I didn’t come to Whitby, but instead became his bit on the side and ignored the fact that he & his wife had just celebrated quite publicly their 25th wedding anniversary and have two kids together.
If he were to become clever enough to create himself a new account to continue stalking me, then perhaps I actually would de-activate my FB.
Another reason I’d possibly de-activate it would be because of all their changes to the way they run/display things. It’s so frustrating when they keep moving things all the time!
At one point they had it set up where it looked like someone you knew was sending your a friend request and all you had to do was accept it. Turns out, it was just listing people you may know that you could send friend request too so unbeknownst to me, I was sending all these friend requests to old high school friends like some kind of crazy stalker intent on reliving her high school years. It was horrifying.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough placenta.
I deactivated and then deleted my facebook account twice. The first time was because the woman who persuaded me to join FB drove me crazy with all her inane updates and I didn’t know any way to make them (or her) go away… The second time was when Facebook Places came in. Now I have another account (and, indeed a Page) and am doing a heck of a lot better because I’m no longer adding everyone.
I’m over here via your guest post on Le Clown.
Why does Facebook turn people into a steamy turd? I secretly love watching the bottom drop out of a relationship via Facebook walls. They are so in love for a few months. But then a few months later, they are professing how it was worth the wait because, “Now I know what true love looks like.” Oh and I really love the people who tell me to go carpe that diem and the dream is alive and well, I just need to go out and get it. Thanks for that tidbit! And I really love knowing when my friends are #thankful on Sundays after an hour at church. You know what I’m thankful for? My girlfriend not making me go to church.
I find it fascinating people on FB are all about seizing shit when they’re still on Facebook. Obviously, dude you’re still on your laptop. What in the crap could you be seizing?? Oh and the after church Bible thumpers…I certainly don’t miss them!
I’ve toyed around with deactivtaing mine. How’s life after deactivation?
It is seriously bliss. I feel like I have space in my head for literature and conversations about music and enjoying art since the space once filled with what my kindergarten best friend had for breakfast the morning she decided to divorce her husband is now permanently empty. Ah, peace.
That comment may have been the tipping point to me deactivating. I’m in the mood to read some of the classic books I probably should’ve read by now but never did because I didn’t like to read as a kid. I found a list of 100 Books to Read Before You Die and different variations of that list. Not that I spend that much time on Facebook but it may give me that kickstart that says, this is more important than that.
I really recommend doing it for awhile. You can always start it back up, but it really is nice getting some reading done. And not to plug my own shit, but if you’re ever interested in an online reading group for women who read real books (no vampires, shopping or shades of the color gray), go here:
http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/83179-tipsy-lit-book-club
Funny you mention no vampires because I’m reading Frankenstein right now and my next one is Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
Thanks for the tip. I’ll defnitely check it out!
Haha, oh those kind of vampires are just fine! I was referring to teenage ones that glitter and scowl a lot. And thank you!
I have deactivated my account on 1st of January. Too much time wasted when more important things get neglected. I do find it difficult, but am going to persevere.
Now to find the courage to delete the account.
I just deleted mine! I’m in the 14 day period will they give you the option to reconsider, but there’s no going back for me. I like the peace from not having to worry about what someone is going to wear today or what they’ll decide to drink or how many crops they’ll tend to this evening. Insanity. All of it.
Hey thanks so much for your post. I made me laugh. I quit in October during the election because I couldn’t take the political debate anymore…it was a lot of negative energy. Then Sandy happened…I live in NYC. And on a serious note, since I wasn’t able to update people that I was okay…it was interesting to see who reached out. And guess what? It was my real friends. But I did also get several complaints from people saying they “looked for me on facebook” and didnt find me. Like without Facebook I don’t exist? One person even went onto say “I was keeping track of you via Facebook” (but she never calls me). Those people were the ones who reached out sometimes weeks later. Like um, the hurricane came and went people…if you cared you would have written me the next day? And no, it wasn’t okay…I was in the evacuation zone, I live in a high rise alone and I wasn’t able to return to my apartment for a month. Anyhow I’m happy I quit Facebook. It really makes you realize what’s important. Oh, and you can download your pictures, files, and even birthdays (if you want to remember people’s) before you deactivate. There are some people I will lose track of, but those aren’t the important ones…and lets face it, they don’t care. But yeah, I still marvel at the number of emails I got from people worried that I deleted them. Facebook has made people paranoid and more insecure.
I know! Growing up we never spent time on the computer and now it’s so finely woven into our every day life, everyone’s become addicted to it. I think it’s good you’re realizing who your true friends are and aren’t getting sucked into it!
This is a hilarious post.
I deactivate every third day!
I just can’t help it. It’s an even bigger disease than Facebook itself.
Haha, I was so like that for awhile. People got to the point where they were like “Oh, it’s you again!” But now I’ve permanently deleted it. It feels like weight has been lifted to be honest.
It became a stupid competition for the number of “likes” one person would get for their “work” or pictures. Ok this is hard for me to word right so don’t get the total impression that I am feeling sorry for myself. As I learned what I need to do for myself.
But it is like: at my age (33) it was interesting how none of your friends talk to you even when you contribute good things because they are all talking amongst themselves about how great their marriage, career, hubby, and baby is AS if you “don’t” exist no matter if what you posted was genuinely beautiful, interesting enough, not over doing it, and original. (Which how I think this is how it should be both on FB and in real life…see the pattern?..lol)
And I said screw that! I rather take the true cold and lonely world without FB at the moment (bc of a situation I am in) and immerse myself in my interests where people sincerely appreciate your efforts, and allow those to help people in real life over Facebook at this point! WHICH will help me meet real people and the world will finally become the place I want it to be. How many of those “friends” including my real ones that I see in real life from FB? NONE! LMAO.
I’m in the process of deleting mine. Life is so much better when it’s, you know, real.
And glad you’ve realized this, too!
Reblogged this on nobodysreadingme and commented:
Couldn’t resist this. I just found it riotously cynical. Especially Number 13
Thanks to Nobodysreadingme I’m reading you! This just concretes my decision not to even have a face book account much less join in Googling Circles. Thank you, Thank you and Thank you again. This was great! This post is on par with posting your holiday wish lists on Amazon (I actually know folks who do that). Maybe I’m just computer illiterate. But I’m happy.
Can I offer you a bit of fun in return? (It’s still me, but my icon here goes to a different site) -
http://julesgemsandstuff.blogspot.com/2013/02/wwp-142-charmed-and-lucky-too.html
You set off everyone into the comments stratosphere! I am envious! But also going to praise your choice wording and great sarcastic wit! Very good way to get interaction. I have looked on others’ FB pages due to someone showing me something but never have been of FB. I always have felt I am too old to deal with the whole thing. Blogging is so much more interesting! Thanks for the best post ever!
too funny! I loved “is that a placenta?” cracked me up!
I need,for my friend this account.
Feel free to share!
I deactivated mine again – and this time it’s permanent. Nothing like fb to make you feel like a 12 year old again, and watch others doing the same. I experienced almost everything on your list. Facebook made me hate people I liked. Oh, but how I will miss the slowly devolving train wreck threads and annoying people. Wait, no I won’t.
I deleted mine, too. And sometimes I wish I could spy on certain people who like to have it all together on FB when in reality you know that’s not the case, but then I ask myself “Why care about that?” when there are a number of stray cats out there who don’t feel fancy enough and could really use a good glittering.
I’ve gotten back to basics.
What a great post! I have been spending way too much time perusing FB lately, as I just broke up with my “one and only, amazing love who I had waited years for”. What to do now, but FB stalk him? Unfortunately, he is the worst FBer ever, and rarely posts anything more than what number of beer he is on, and “hell yeah”, in response to anything anyone else says. I can’t tear myself away from it at this point, since my life seems so mundane compared to what other people are eating!
Oh man, beer tallies and “oh yeahs”?? The hunger might just be worth checking up on this dude!
oqjcbomgcbrl
That’s what she said!
wjsdfiqjkakk
khasdkjashdj!!!!! No, but really, you’re absolutely correct. I do have gorgeous cheek bones.
I don’t need to deactivate my facebook-account. Because i have a FACEBOOK-PAGE! And no one can share stuff with me, only me, The Lord Almighty, can share stuff with others! One way traffic, Yo!
I have just the page now too, just permanently deleted the profile. I love making sure everyone reads my stuff without me having to care what they ate for breakfast. Sweet freedom.
That’s exactly why I did that. I don’t care what they do and I don’t want to send them messages or have them send me messages. Blablablabla… I’m selfish, so I have facebook-page. Duh.
Oh, and judging from the two spam comments above mine, your spambot needs some serious looking into as well…
It really seems your site has some security issues…
Out of this entire site, those are the only two random comments I’ve ever gotten. Plus, they put in actual gmail addresses so I don’t think they’re spambots. I left them because I think they’re fun. skldjflsakjflsjkf. See. Fun.
Well, putting it that way, both comments do bring up some serious political issues.
Maybe you should send them an e-mail, to ask them if next time they could be a bit more random, like this:
Great blog post! I was just about to scratch my anus, when I stumbled upon Michael Jackson. I got scared so I immediately convinced my mother to buy me a scooter. I’m 50.