So I was happily fake tweeting Dave Coulier on the Twittersphere when I received this tweet from Tim at True Collar Worker. Automatically I was all “Yes, lets do this!” with a side of “Hmmm…I wonder if I need new laces for my Skechers Shape Ups.” Fortunately, Skechers Shape Ups never need laces because they’re not prone to the infantile physics of planet Earth so I was able to get right to posting this guest piece from Tim. Let’s all take a moment to thank Skechers Shape Ups for allowing us to bask in the awesomeness of this post. And Dave Coulier, too. Not.
I’m not even sure I can trust this photo of Tim because it involves shirts and no inappropriate iPhone camera usage. Good thing he’s funny…
In my 30-plus years as a man on this whirling dervish of dirt called Earth, I’ve learned a thing or three about the opposite sex.
A little dash of experience here, a little stalker-via-OkCupid there, and I’ve found a list of ten things guaranteed to ignite the fires of the gender we call “woman.”
Inspired by Ericka Clay’s breakthrough post “How to Make Men Think You’re Attractive,” I felt it my civic duty to counter-offer my expertise to men everywhere who seek insider information on…
How to Make Women Think You’re Attractive
1. Women love it when you tell them to “relax.” They appreciate that you take the time to notice their feelings and offer a simple, but effective, solution to the problem at hand.
Example:
“Hey gurl, those pictures on Facebook that your best friend from high school constantly posts of her three beautiful children and ridiculously handsome husband in front of their home with the super-low fixed mortgage rate in a great neighborhood located in the nation’s top-rated city for families and education is just a cry for help…relaaaaax.”
2. Women love aggressive, competitive men, so take every opportunity to win, win, win. Whether it’s with her, her friends, strangers at a party, waiters at restaurants, or her boss, if you think you can be victorious at something, don’t hesitate. Nobody likes a pussy.
I DESTROYED my girlfriend’s father at Trivial Pursuit at Thanksgiving a few years ago. He cried. I raised the roof. She and I didn’t leave the bedroom for a week.
(Note: We’re not together anymore, but it’s because [out of respect] I let her mom beat me at Boggle. Lesson learned.)
3. Be needy. Cling to her and keep asking: “is everything okay?” or “did I do something wrong?” She will love the constant checking-in and evaluation of the relationship.
Some people call this “insecurity,” but those people have never sat by the phone waiting for Bethany to call when she texted two hours ago saying she was going to stay late after work and have a few drinks at Happy Hour with the “girlz,” but it’s almost 11:00 p.m. and what Happy Hour goes that late, Bethany?? I mean, seriously? Did I do something wrong??
4. If a woman is self-conscious about the way she looks, tell her looks aren’t important. Tell her she has a great laugh and loves to travel, and that’s enough. Sure, there are tons of beautiful woman out there, but you like to read. You’re interesting. And funny!!? You make me laugh.
Also, in the same conversation, see if you can casually compare her to a celebrity she hates.
5. Smoke marijuana daily and talk about sports as if you actually have the ability to play them. There’s nothing sexier than showing how knowledgeable you are about football because you were on the JV Squad in 1994, you watch Sportscenter, and you play pick-up games on Wednesdays.
Bonus points if you play XBox Live every night.
6. Look for a chance to use the words “epic,” “crushed it,” and “rock-star,” in any conversation with her after getting back from the gym; or, if you’re unemployed, coming back from a job interview. (This may not be necessary if you wear Tapout hoodies, or Ed Hardy).
7. A note about wardrobe: chain wallets, chain wallets, chain wallets. I cannot stress this enough.
8. If you are involved in social media: Facebook, Twitter, dating websites, etc. It is imperative that you upload photos of yourself without a shirt, taken by your iPhone in the bathroom mirror, preferably with the phone still showing, and the flash going off. It’s just courtesy, gentleman.
9. On the first date, talk about your ex-girlfriend/ex-wife. She won’t be turned off by this. In fact, she’ll appreciate your honesty and the fact that you two are still friends and that you still love each other, but you’re not “in love.”
Your new date will also be enamored with the fact that you’re friends with ALL your exes and that they’re really beautiful people and still a huge part of your life and that you can’t just stop loving someone just because you’re not together anymore, especially since you shared such a long, intimate, intensely sexual time with them, you know, that kind of love doesn’t just go away.
10. If you’re a heavy-drinker, congratulations! You’re way ahead of the game, so keep going! Keep quoting Family Guy and working on that Quagmire impression (giggity-giggity), and for the love of God, do not hold back when singing Livin’ On A Prayer or Don’t Stop Believin’ on Karaoke Tuesdays at Halftime Sports Bar & Grille!! They say women love a sense of humor, fellas, so let her see how funny you get after 9 beers, and let the good times roll!!
There you have it, a recipe for success.
Good luck out there, boys, and remember…
You may not have a lot of money, you may live with two cats, you may not have a car, you may still be waiting around for Bethany to call you because she said she was going to and it’s really, totally not cool to say you’re going to call someone and then not call them, I mean, it’s not like we just met, we’ve been dating for a month, you know, so like just a call, that’s not too much to ask, like, just to say “hey,” you know?
Um, what was I saying?
Oh, yeah!
Crush it you rock-stars, it’s gonna be epic!!!
Hysterical!
My favorite was the chain wallets. Never underestimate the aphrodisiac powers of a good chain wallet.
Epic post, I shit my pants a little with joy. Everything about this post is delicious, particularly the part about taking the shirtless pic in the bathroom mirror showing the phone and the flash. Just as a sidenote to that, if your bathroom is filthy, and has a broken towel rack in the back, big bonus points. That will most likely get you blown.
Relax.
Tracy
Oh Tracy, this comment just made me shit my pants with Joy!
I’m not kidding when I say you have become my absolute, hands down favorite writer/blogger on the interwebs. You make me laugh like no other, because you do funny well, and your cheekbones, of course. The mirror photo thing…seriously, check this out, it’s no lie:
http://illbeoutinaminute.com/2012/09/08/plenty-of-fish-my-ass/
and
http://illbeoutinaminute.com/2012/09/09/plenty-of-fish-my-ass-continued/
not just shameless plugs, it’s visual proof of what was written. Fucked. Up.
Haha I love that these people really do exist. And I’m also terrified by it. So many emotions!!
If you’re ever bored, feeling down, or up, or need material, or nightmares, just hop on plenty of fish for an hour.
Has Bethany called you yet? You should probably try a few more texts, a couple voicemails and poke her on Facebook while you are at it. Yeah, that’ll get her to respond.
hahahahahaha! Totally EPIC!!! I may have some o them dudes in my in box RIGHT NOW…http://isawbobdylaninaspeedo.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/dating-has-gone-south-for-the-winter/ – THANKS ERICKA AND TIM!!! I got this…
Thank you for posting a link to yours! When I read it I thought “great minds think alike.” Or “creepy dudes be all over the Internet!”
right? I didn’t know how to make it an actual link….or did it work? Before I hit post reply it was not all linkified…And Thanks Ericka!!!
You’re very welcome and it worked!
As someone who rocked the chain wallet for a good portion of his early college days, and belts out Livin’ On A Prayer–fake microphone and all–at most weddings, I nervously chuckled my way through those parts of the post while laughing my ass off at the rest of it. Epic stuff. Well done, well written.
It’s okay. I used to wear a fanny pack. And by “used to” I mean right now.
the funniest thing i’ve read all week!
Women do love a heavy drinker who smokes a lot of pot. Now we won’t even need to pretend we have a headache.
BTW, can chicks pull off chain wallets, because I think I might need one…
this is so good. And um, why do you not like Uncle Joey?
He broke Alanis Morisette’s heart and has an obscene obsession with Popeye. Seriously Maggie, what’s there to like??
I don’t hold an opinion on him. I just didn’t think about him much (ever) until I read your past couple of posts. That Alannis has been through a lot stupid Uncle Joey bastard.
I know right?? All of a sudden it’s Joey Gladstone you bitch! As it should be.
Also, my whole blog is a somewhat fictional joke. Maybe that’s not coming through lol…
No I figured it was but he is so very random, impressive!!
I have a knack for random. And a knack for pulling off the “I may have forgotten to brush my hair this morning” look.
Hilarious! Plus I’m deleting every Full House episode I have saved on my DVR in solidarity for the Dave Coulier thing. Obviously he’s a bastard, plus I’ve never seen any pictures of him with a chain wallet, which means he obviously knows nothing about women.
Thanks god I stopped by here today. I learned a ton, and I now have a bunch of free space on my DVR. Double bonus.
Tim and I may be soulmates.
You should hit him up after he crushes it at the gym.
This is an epic post, Tim totally crushed it, he’s a rock star. I love hearing ex wife stories, they’re the best. You get to hear practically first hand all the reasons they dumped this guy and why you shouldn’t go anywhere near them.
I love that “Relax” came first on the list, that made it for me.
Update on Bethany…turns out she and Alexa were doing Jaeger-bombs and ended up at the house of the guy who played Fez on “That 70′s Show.”
She didn’t tell me this, of course, I found out on Twitter.
@bethanygirl
“Alexa throwing up, totally made out with that actor Wilmer Villaraigosa.” #girlznightout
(photo attached)
http://timvenable.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/wilmervalderramashirtlessiphone.jpg
Ahahahahhaha!! Man that Will really knows how to work an iPhone!
Good stuff, Tim. Epic. Rock-star. And thanks for telling me these jeans make my ass look big.
Kiran
Aw man, all I got was a “You look tired.”
That was epic!! That just made my afternoon much more enjoyable!!
Thanks for stopping by Susan!
I see what you did there.
You said what not to do in an effort to be witty and sarcastic.
………..right? Did I do something wrong?
You totally figured this one out, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from a fellow Hanson lover.
“Isn’t it weird? Isn’t it strange?”
I completely broke up over #7 – that’s a classic…
So funny. Needed this tonight.
I was the first one in my office this morning and was feeling cranky about getting up early … turns out it was TOTALLY WORTH IT because it meant I could read this and laugh till coffee came out my nose and not worry about people, you know, having to see that.
Glad we could make you laugh!
OMG.. . . .loved this! Can he tell us why guys think women really want to see the pictures of men without their shirts on?? And I sort of get the taking the picture in the bathroom thing, but your own bathroom, not the one at 7-11 dipshit!!
My favorite is when there’s a bottle of tums on the bathroom counter. Keeping it real.
Reblogged this on Mostafa Bakry.