So I was happily fake tweeting Dave Coulier on the Twittersphere when I received this tweet from Tim at True Collar Worker. Automatically I was all “Yes, lets do this!” with a side of “Hmmm…I wonder if I need new laces for my Skechers Shape Ups.” Fortunately, Skechers Shape Ups never need laces because they’re not prone to the infantile physics of planet Earth so I was able to get right to posting this guest piece from Tim. Let’s all take a moment to thank Skechers Shape Ups for allowing us to bask in the awesomeness of this post. And Dave Coulier, too. Not.
In my 30-plus years as a man on this whirling dervish of dirt called Earth, I’ve learned a thing or three about the opposite sex.
A little dash of experience here, a little stalker-via-OkCupid there, and I’ve found a list of ten things guaranteed to ignite the fires of the gender we call “woman.”
Inspired by Ericka Clay’s breakthrough post “How to Make Men Think You’re Attractive,” I felt it my civic duty to counter-offer my expertise to men everywhere who seek insider information on…
How to Make Women Think You’re Attractive
1. Women love it when you tell them to “relax.” They appreciate that you take the time to notice their feelings and offer a simple, but effective, solution to the problem at hand.
“Hey gurl, those pictures on Facebook that your best friend from high school constantly posts of her three beautiful children and ridiculously handsome husband in front of their home with the super-low fixed mortgage rate in a great neighborhood located in the nation’s top-rated city for families and education is just a cry for help…relaaaaax.”
2. Women love aggressive, competitive men, so take every opportunity to win, win, win. Whether it’s with her, her friends, strangers at a party, waiters at restaurants, or her boss, if you think you can be victorious at something, don’t hesitate. Nobody likes a pussy.
I DESTROYED my girlfriend’s father at Trivial Pursuit at Thanksgiving a few years ago. He cried. I raised the roof. She and I didn’t leave the bedroom for a week.
(Note: We’re not together anymore, but it’s because [out of respect] I let her mom beat me at Boggle. Lesson learned.)
3. Be needy. Cling to her and keep asking: “is everything okay?” or “did I do something wrong?” She will love the constant checking-in and evaluation of the relationship.
Some people call this “insecurity,” but those people have never sat by the phone waiting for Bethany to call when she texted two hours ago saying she was going to stay late after work and have a few drinks at Happy Hour with the “girlz,” but it’s almost 11:00 p.m. and what Happy Hour goes that late, Bethany?? I mean, seriously? Did I do something wrong??
4. If a woman is self-conscious about the way she looks, tell her looks aren’t important. Tell her she has a great laugh and loves to travel, and that’s enough. Sure, there are tons of beautiful woman out there, but you like to read. You’re interesting. And funny!!? You make me laugh.
Also, in the same conversation, see if you can casually compare her to a celebrity she hates.
5. Smoke marijuana daily and talk about sports as if you actually have the ability to play them. There’s nothing sexier than showing how knowledgeable you are about football because you were on the JV Squad in 1994, you watch Sportscenter, and you play pick-up games on Wednesdays.
Bonus points if you play XBox Live every night.
6. Look for a chance to use the words “epic,” “crushed it,” and “rock-star,” in any conversation with her after getting back from the gym; or, if you’re unemployed, coming back from a job interview. (This may not be necessary if you wear Tapout hoodies, or Ed Hardy).
7. A note about wardrobe: chain wallets, chain wallets, chain wallets. I cannot stress this enough.
8. If you are involved in social media: Facebook, Twitter, dating websites, etc. It is imperative that you upload photos of yourself without a shirt, taken by your iPhone in the bathroom mirror, preferably with the phone still showing, and the flash going off. It’s just courtesy, gentleman.
9. On the first date, talk about your ex-girlfriend/ex-wife. She won’t be turned off by this. In fact, she’ll appreciate your honesty and the fact that you two are still friends and that you still love each other, but you’re not “in love.”
Your new date will also be enamored with the fact that you’re friends with ALL your exes and that they’re really beautiful people and still a huge part of your life and that you can’t just stop loving someone just because you’re not together anymore, especially since you shared such a long, intimate, intensely sexual time with them, you know, that kind of love doesn’t just go away.
10. If you’re a heavy-drinker, congratulations! You’re way ahead of the game, so keep going! Keep quoting Family Guy and working on that Quagmire impression (giggity-giggity), and for the love of God, do not hold back when singing Livin’ On A Prayer or Don’t Stop Believin’ on Karaoke Tuesdays at Halftime Sports Bar & Grille!! They say women love a sense of humor, fellas, so let her see how funny you get after 9 beers, and let the good times roll!!
There you have it, a recipe for success.
Good luck out there, boys, and remember…
You may not have a lot of money, you may live with two cats, you may not have a car, you may still be waiting around for Bethany to call you because she said she was going to and it’s really, totally not cool to say you’re going to call someone and then not call them, I mean, it’s not like we just met, we’ve been dating for a month, you know, so like just a call, that’s not too much to ask, like, just to say “hey,” you know?
Um, what was I saying?
Crush it you rock-stars, it’s gonna be epic!!!