If I wear these to the appointment I bet he throws in a live-in butler.
There are a lot of people I figured I’d date in my lifetime including but not limited to JTT, Prince William, pretend Dave Coulier, real Tony Bennett, very real Anthony Bourdain, and Joseph Gordin Levitt who has really been wooed by the letters I’ve sent him about my being an Asian ninja/sometimes super model. But someone I never thought I’d be dating is an oncologist. Our first date is next Friday at three and even though I’m super excited about the prospect of becoming the new owner of a lake house in Tahoe and/or a spaceship, I’m not so excited about the real truth of the matter: I’m sick.
First, let’s get a few things straight:
- I have not officially been diagnosed with anything but considering I spend too much time on the interwebz (hey I get paid to be here…I mean not doing exactly this per say but it would be rude of me to be in the neighborhood and not stop by. TV raised me better than that) and am a religious patient of Dr. Google, I’ve since learned having a swollen lymph node in your neck that’s been there for roughly three months and falling ill with an amazingly sexy smoker-esque cough doesn’t quite place me in the “let’s all high five each other in the faces and then get wasted at Epcot because life is pretty freaking sweet right now!” category. But Jesus, how I wish it did.
- Fine, I’ll say it. I’ll say the fracking “L” word. Lymphoma. If you were wondering the name of the big scary monster that not so politely could be currently invading my body, its name is Lymphoma and it’s apparently a bit of a bitch. Not so much as say a really hardcore bitch like other cancers, but a bitch who wears a mini-skirt every time she sees you because she knows you’re self-conscious about your knees.
- Did I mention I have anxiety? Yeah, so this could be a no big deal thing and then we’ll all just file this under “Shit Ericka Says that People Like to Read Because Normal People Would Never Say it Out Loud Let Alone Publish it Online,” but the truth is, I feel like shit and I’ve experienced a few “symptoms” that have made me wonder what in the hell is up with my body.
The whole thing is horribly frustrating because I’ve always been everyone’s shining example of health. No, seriously. That’s how I sign my Christmas cards: “Your Shining Example of Health, Ericka Clay.” Now how am I supposed to sign them?? “That Girl Who Still Sometimes Puts Her Shoes on the Wrong Feet But Really It’s All Her Mother’s Fault Because She Doesn’t Live with Her to Put Them on Correctly, Ericka Clay”?? It just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I’ve taken a mighty long break from the blog and even though it was to spend the holidays without a keyboard strapped to my hands, it was also so I wouldn’t have to write any of this shit down. But if I don’t, it will grow inside me and I may not be a highly paid doctor who gives away lake houses and space ships to people they’re pretend dating, but I do know writing gives my mind, my heart a break, and I sure as hell could use one right about now.
So hopefully around this time next week I’ll have a better grip on my body (haha, gross) and regardless of the diagnosis, I’ll hopefully start to feel a little better because I’ll finally have some answers. The one good thing that has come out of all this? Knowing that I’m lucky to be who I am and to have some pretty spectacular people in my life. And the incessant need to live.
Honestly? Some days I used to just float by. Not anymore.
Ericka! That is a scary L-word… just try and take it one step at a time, the anxiety sure doesn’t help I’m sure! I wish we lived close so you could come to one of my gentle yoga classes… at the very least it would give you and hour to yourself to let-go and re-center. Maybe… Keep us posted!
Thank you so much, Jenni. And believe me, if I lived close by I would be taking you up on your offer. That sounds amazing! I suppose I should at least break out the yoga DVD!
I don’t necessarily “like” this, but I clicked “like” to show my support. I will attempt a funny comment as a distraction. If I didn’t make a letter L shape with my thumb and pointer finger, I would never be able to distinguish left from right.
I don’t even get that far. That’s how hard feet and shoes are for me, apparently. And thank you for the support!
I can only hope that it is not true!.. And you can still be an healthy person some how.. i am sure you’ll figure your way out.. and yes you are a trend setter!
Thank you, me too!
Ericka, breath …
stop dr. google for a little while and crush that anxiety with some ice cream (or loads … your thighs, your choice ) . It will be ok girl, going on that date is the right way to go, you’ll get answers and a plan.
But for the date, DO NOT wear the white laces! so no sexy … go for the blue ones !
Break a leg on friday !
Oh man I totally almost went with the white! And don’t you wish ice cream could cure everything? Sigh. One day, one day I shall invent the ice cream cure all.
Thank you!
Good luck. If he has an extra lake house, I’m fond of The Adirondacks.
I’ll look into it!
I’ve been through something similar. Hell, I’m still going through it. I had a tumor removed from my hip on the 10th. Weeks back, when the general surgeon got the MRI results and referred me to a surgical oncologist I was a wreck. It was the most scared I’d ever been in my life. I do feel your pain. I wish you nothing but the best. I can tell you, from the other side, even when it’s not the greatest of news it feels so much better knowing what it is and being able to do something about it. Good luck.
I know, I read your story and have been thinking about you and what you’ve been dealing with. I’m sorry, really, that’s all I can think to say because I know how hard it is dealing with something like this and having to balance, family, work, life in general without wanting to burst into tears every two seconds. I agree with you, knowing at least will put me in the right frame of mind to deal with whatever comes my way. Thank you and I wish you the best with your recovery.
I can’t “un-like” this so I am liking, because the way you wrote this took the scary out of the words for me. I think you will kick that L-word ass with those Sketchers and come out with the keys to a new home.
I wish you only the best. Good luck.
That’s exactly my plan of action! And thank you!
Shit. Shitshitshit. I’ve had a few C-word scares and what really gets to you is your age. Being young, you think, “not me,” only thinking old people get such scares. I never really paid them much mind, even when I was 17 and had an “abnormal” annual. I was supposed to go back in three months, but I was so worried that I didn’t tell anyone but my grandpa and he said, “Heidi-bug, I promise you are fine.”. Yeah, my family called me Heidi (pa was the only one who could add ‘bug’) and since my pa was like god (Meryl Streep) I believed him and refused to go back until the following year. All was fine. My sis-in-law has dealt with breast cancer, actual real thing cancer, since she was in her early 20s. She’s now almost 40, had it maybe like 9 times, the last two being in a lymph node and uterus or cervix. Hard to keep track of the whowhatwhenwherewhyhow when dealing with an asshole monster like cancer. Because it happened to her, so many times, I no longer think my age exempts me. Thankfully, she has kicked its ass everytime! My freaking hero! But she goes in every three months for scans and blood work and stays on top of things.
And since I’m blabbering on (on the Internet, no less) I will tell you about my own lymph node. I felt this hard, marbel sized thing in my neck a few years ago. Of course, I googled the shit out of it and boom: lymphoma. After making all the medical professionals in my family and at the grocery store inspect me, I asked my doctor. He checked it out, gave me blood work to shut me up and asked what I thought it was. Of course, I calmly explain that I am not ready to die, much too young for that but I fear it is a dastardly, evil tumor. He laughed. He explained it was an innocent little lymph node. Sometimes, when you get a cold or virus or whatever, the lymph nodes that go all bad ass to heal you, (they swell when they do this) sometimes, they don’t shrink back down. So, apparently I had something of the cold variety, kicked its ass and my lymph node was so awesome, it stayed at attention, guarding the temple that is my body.
I’m sure you are fine. I’m sure your lymph node is just flexing it’s well-earned, sketchers shape ups muscles, and keeping you safe. And I hope your oncologist is so freaking cute and when he makes fun of you, you run out in hysterics and tell us all about it.
Love you.
Oh wow, Aletha, you’re sister-in-law is truly amazing and so are you for being so supportive! And I laughed at the asking people at the grocery store thing – I seriously am about five minutes away from doing that! I have been sick which is what I’m hoping is up with the lymph node but I’ve had chest pains and a weird cough that scare the crap out of me. The pains might be related to my anxiety because I’ve had them before plus I know I’m probably putting too much emphasis on the cough since I am currently sick. It’s just a clusterfuck of what the heck is going on and why is it happening all at once that’s getting me. Fortunately, Friday I’ll have answers or at least be on the road to getting them. Love you, too, girl! Okay, scratch that, I’m not a “girl” type person. How about: “Love you, too, you super baddass!” There, that’s better.
Scary. I hope your date with the doctor goes horribly, meaning of course, that he does not want to ever see you again because you are Ericka Clay, A Shining Example of Health and he prefers to hang out with those in a state of poorer health then you.
Keep us posted, will you?
I, too, hope for that! In fact if this is no big deal then I’m going to ask him to write that down so I can photo copy it and send it with next year’s Christmas cards. I will certainly keep you posted!
Ericka, sending you thousands of good and positive vibes that your worst problem is anxiety and an unhealthy codependent relationship with Doctor Google.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! We may need couples therapy but I’m okay with that!
Feel the love Funny Girl. If your Shape -Ups don’t get you what you want I have a new pair of distressed Skecher boots you can borrow.
Sold!!!
Thank thank you, Janna!
You know I would never lie to you and I feel in my heart you will be fine..The important thing is going to have it checked out..Our family will be there for you at all times..Good Luck..Love Grandma
Thanks Grandma! Love you, too!
If it’s comforting to know that complete strangers wish you well, know that I wish you well.
Step away from the WebMD. I am thinking good thoughts for you, you’re too hot to have the L-word, unless it’s threesome Lesbian sex L word. Good for you for writing. We are all here waiting to hear the next chapter. xo
Oh, Maggie! You must know our Ericka well! Fantastically funny reply!
She certainly does!
Hahaha! Thank you, Maggie! And you can’t write posts like this and give pretend Dave Coulier any ideas. Dave is already pushing pretty hard for a pretend threesome with me and Matt and Matt’s one crushed Ambien away from agreeing. I’ll keep you updated! Also in regards to the doctor’s appointment.
This is scary shit, and I am so sorry you’re going through all the scary waiting and not knowing…I know what that feels like. I’ll be thinking of you throughout this week in hopes of a positive visit on Friday. Wear your Shape-Ups!
Thank you Lyssa! Not knowing really is the bitch part. But I really do appreciate your positive thoughts!
Hang in there, Ericka. Write, and write some more, just to get it out there–even if you never press the publish button. Somehow, just getting it out there sometimes makes things less scary. When you can see the ghosts, they don’t seem as frightening.
“When you can see the ghosts, they don’t seem as frightening.” I love that line. And it’s very true. Writing always calms me, and I’ve found it’s especially true in this situation.
As someone with ‘the fear’ (otherwise known as anxiety, but ‘the fear’ is a more accurate and awesome descriptor, I think) especially regarding my health, I am really feeling for you, Ericka. And worrying! And pacing! But we all know that you will be fine – even if you end up being a bit not so fine for a little while, after that you will be fine again. JUST FINE, YOU HEAR?
Keep doing the words thing though, I’ve heard it helps.
Thank you Molly! I will keep writing and keep being funny because I don’t know any other way to be other than short.
I got your back with the positive thoughts, prayers, and what not. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you, Jon. I’m a major believer in prayer and appreciate yours. And I certainly intend to!
Don’t like the C word!! I think you are going to be just fine, and I recently had my ESP abilities tested, so I know some shit. Ok, well, maybe I don’t know everything, but I will be sending positive thoughts your way. Peace. . .
Thank you, I’m all for positive thoughts at the moment! And I’m also not a fan of the “c” word. It’s right up there with “spandex” and “sandals with socks” in my book!
Hang tough girl, and always carry your fat bottom girl attitude with you. It will never let you down!
Ericka,
I have no words, so I won’t even try. (((hugs)))
My prayers are with you and your family.
Kina
Thank you, Kina. That honestly means a lot.
Good luck. I hope it turns out to be something less scary than that.
Thank you, Stephanie! Me too!
Praying for peace and health for you. I found when in a similar situation (having large portions of my hoo-ha lasered out) that whether or not I believed in that moment didn’t matter. It always feels good to know people are sending positive thoughts out to you.
And I got dibs on JTT. As someone who once owned 64 posters of him. Yeeeeaaaaaah.
Thank you so much Holly. And you’re absolutely, right. I was a wreck before posting this, but just knowing there are a lot of supportive people out there makes handling this situation a little easier. And certainly no fun about the lasered hoo-ha parts. It’s inspiring to know you’ve come out of something so difficult and have a wonderful life to show for it!
Oh my, I think you win. At least let him know he still owes me that signed poster he never got around to sending Christmas of 1998! My mom would also liked to be refunded for all the therapy.
What I liked about this post is the fact that you wrote it, and got it off your chest. Bottling up anxiety is bad for your immune system, and yours is conscientiously doing overtime, so give it a break and carry on writing
Anyway, most lumps are benign- all of mine were.
And no fair- you’ve a lovely husband already, while I could fancy a wealthy professional man, so why not use him (once) and lose him (but give him my address)
Haha will do Pauline! I hope I won’t need him for long either!
Attagirl, don’t wear him out!
I am on Team Ericka and will cheer from the grandstand, “Ericka for-ever, lymphoma ne-ver!”
Is it weird that I had that phrase printed on a t-shirt for Friday’s appointment? No, no it’s not weird.
Weird? No. Awesome? Oh yeah.
I’m rooting for you Ericka and thinking good thoughts. Hang in there!
Thank you for the positive thoughts!
First of all… been there with multiple scares, MRI’s, ultrasounds, biopsies, etc. I’m also a big fan of Dr. Google. It seems to give me a modicum of control to read everything out there and attempt to parse it for myself. The other thing it does is prepare you for the worst… which means you’re likely to not be surprised when you get the diagnosis from your actual, real-life oncologist. And you get to breathe a huge sigh of relief if it turns out to be some non-malignant thing that mimics cancer but is not nearly so serious or life-threatening.
I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best. I hate that you had to spend your ordinarily healthy holiday season under the weight of this anxiety. I’ll add the thought… passed to me by the many gracious and brilliant medical experts who’ve attended to my own scares… that young, healthy people aren’t usually the ones who have cancer. There are reasons to be concerned, but there are good things here, too.
It’s true that I know pretty much everything I need to know about lymphoma, knowledge that I hope I’ll only have to use in case I ever land on an episode of Jeopardy. Really, such a thoughtful and well put comment. Thank you for this, Jennifer, and when I update, I hope to do so with good news!
It could just be a swollen lymph node from a sinus infection. I am wishing all the best to you and your appointment!
I have been sick so I hope it’s that. I’ve had a few other strange symptoms but some of those could be explained by my anxiety condition. Whatever the case, thank you for the comment and I’m hoping to report back good news!
I am sending you prayers and good thoughts!
Ericka,
Like Speaker7, I liked this post for your strength, and because you find humour in everything… best mask ever, right? I put on a mask, and add layers of clown make-up, and life feels that much better. I’m rambling…I’m here to wish you a healthy 2013, and again, to let you know that Le Clown and family have your back. Always. Much love.
Le Clown
Thank you, Eric. ‘Tis true, you and I are very similar which therefore means we both look absolutely stunning in shades of mauve. Plus, the mask thing. Glad to know you and the rest of the whole blogging crew have my back. Much love right back at ya and here’s to a 2013 that doesn’t suck!
I’ve given you the very inspiring blogger award at http://ldsconvertblog.com/2013/01/01/i-better-get-this-awards-thing-done/ Please come check it out.
Thank you Jon without an “h”!!
Yess!!
Good luck on your date. However, I am really hoping this is one of those short-lived relationships. You have a wonderful way with words. They are powerful words that I hope give you strength and release. There are many ways to be healthy. I hope your body is soon as strong as your soul! You are a shining example of strength and wisdom. Sign ‘em like that.
Thank you, Jean. “You are a shining example of strength and wisdom.” You just made me cry and I haven’t cried since the eighties…when I was a baby. Your support means a lot and I’m hoping to have good news about this whole mess sooner than later!
<3
I just have to say that you are such a good writer!
I am sorry about these problems and I really hope it is benign, and nothing that will last for too long! Good luck on your appointment on Friday!
Thank you! That means a lot to hear. And I do, too. I’ll be sure to update!
Sometimes it can be tough to go through life with your fingers glued to a keyboard. Xxx
This is very true.
I’m glad i read these posts backwards. Now I know your situation isn’t as dire as it could have been.
Nope, much better thankfully!