What happens when you take a photo of fireworks. On Ambien.
New Year’s always seems to be that time of year when people try to be good at things they generally aren’t, like that one time I convinced my mother to let me watch her dogs only to accidentally barter them for a life sized cheese sculpture of Newman from Seinfeld. Really, it could have happened to anyone. Also, it was delicious.
But this year I’m going to attempt to accomplish resolutions that are more my speed and/or do not result in my mother extracting me from her will.
Twenty-One New Years Resolutions. Let’s dance, bitch.
- Start managing Dave Coulier’s stand up career. This one might be a doozy since Dave generally enjoys things people don’t find funny and/or coherent, but I think I’ll just tell everyone he’s John Stamos. I’m pretty sure no one will notice.
- Start my own line of Skechers Shape Ups. They’ll have a trap door in the bottom of them where you can store a piece of pizza that “cures your asthma” and a “doctor’s note” that you can hand to your boss/pastor/policeman if they ridiculously state otherwise.
- Invent asthma curing pizza.
- Find Carmen Sandiego. She must be horrendously thirsty by now.
- Habitually dress like Blossom and then pick up a hobo who I’ll name “Six” and then fight with him until he lets me be Six and then fight with him again when I realize Six is a cooler name but being Blossom means you get all the boys and the chance to one day be on The Big Bang Theory opposite the lovably quirky Jim Parsons. Then I’ll change the hobo’s name to “Gary,” which I later learn is his actual name and that he’s actually not a hobo at all but my boss. I really need to stop taking Ambien.
- Stop taking Ambien.
- I recently just got a juicer so I’ll set up a juicing stand outside my house to make friends with the neighbor ladies by selling them Ambien spiked juices so I can raid their closets and “adopt” their shoes. I really wish people would stop whining about how much they hate shopping. Ambien exists. Use it.
- Make out with at least one member of Hanson, two members of New Kids on the Block and three members of our neighborhood watch committee.
- Barter my dogs for a cheese sculpture of Norm from Cheers. Oh God, my mom is right. I have a problem.
- Challenge a group of wet t-shirt finalists with the aftermath of breastfeeding.
- Kill math.
- Adopt a cat and dress it like me so it can act as my stand-in for work. Let’s face it, I get as much stuff done around here as Cat Ericka anyways.
- Narrate through song what people in my office are doing at any given moment: “Oh look, there goes Claire from accounting, oh yeah, she just picked her nose but pretended to just scratch it. Ooooh yeah!”
- End all correspondence with “Vagina, Ericka,” because after all, I’m a lady.
- I’ve decided to go vegan again so I think this would be a great time to tape baby carrots to my fingers and trademark them as “Veggie Nails.” I’m just kidding. All the time is a great time for that.
- I’m going to do that thing where you mimic everything someone else is saying. At the movies.
- I will buy my mother two new dogs that will most likely end up being pizzas that I accidentally eat on the way to her house.
- I’m going to set up a web cam in my home so I can have proof that Matt lets my dogs try on my clothes when I’m at work.
- I’m going to set up a booth at Barnes and Noble to sign copies of my stapled together book And Then I Keyed Your Car: The Ericka Clay Saga.
- I’m going to call your mother to tell her you’re on your way over. I told her you’re bringing a ham casserole. And your new boyfriend. She seemed pretty excited about all that so…sorry?
- I’m going to high five the whole world in the face.
What are your new year’s resolutions?
Cat Erica,
I’m so on board with high-fiving the entire world in the face.
Vagina,
Speaker7
Cat Erica,
#6: Preposterous… unless it is replaced with Vicodin, or Oxycodone. I have your wellbeing at heart.
Le Clown
Veggie Nails are going to be huge in ’13, I just know it.
I know a guy for #11… if you are interested. She may be a girl though. She’s me.
By no later than April I’ll remember to put 2013 not 2012 on my cheques
I will not mock anyone with carrot fingernails. Oh shit, that’s never going to work, is it?
Locate your Neighbourhood Watch group and warn them
Hanson? That song M’bop? They were singing about when their testicles finally descended. I’m going to try to warn them too
And warn NKOTB.
I plan to read your blog at least once.
DONE AND DONE because I am the best person in the universe.
Ericka,
My resolution is to Single White Female Ericka Clay’s life, without being creepy-scary like Jennifer Jason Leigh. I’m just not that scary, but I want to be that funny.
Be well,
Kina
#11 and #19.
Vagina,
Maggie
#11 and #19 = #30 – right??
I like no. 21 best of all, I think.
#16 where you mimic what everyone else around you is saying? The game is called “Shadows”. My kids play it (with me).Then I start saying things like, “I have the best mom in the world and I am going to go empty out the dishwasher…” and the game ends.
My NYR is to read your book and try not to accidentally eat it while on Ambien.
I like to get specific.
Vagina Ericka,
#22 – “Watch In Living Color Youtube clip of Jim Carey playing the juicer guy with the bushy eyebrows.”
It shall be done! I love all things Jim Carey, Living Color, and doing what strangers tell to me on the Internet. It’s actually, why I’m writing this from jail.
If you start impersonating Mayim Bialik, then you’re basically impersonating me. http://ineedanewman.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/mayim-bialik-and-me/
See? I’ll take that as a compliment.
But good luck with the rest of those resolutions. Sounds like your year will be sufficiently busy. Or if not busy, at least you’ll keep yourself sufficiently entertained!
OMG you do look like her!! And just a random note from your post – you breastfeed your adopted son, correct? Did you have to take supplements beforehand to increase your supply? How difficult was it? Sorry if I’m being nosy. I just figured if we ever adopt I’d do the same thing. And feel free to message me if you don’t want to be all like, “hey let’s start talking about boob milk on this thread.” I personally have no qualms about it, but then again, I’m nuts.
Oh, I’m fine with turning my boob milk into a free-for-all. Wait, that’s not quite what I mean. Anyway… yes I did take some sort of supplement, but I don’t remember now what it was called. I started taking it and using a pump several times a day about 2 weeks before we got our son. I would’ve started earlier, but I had no idea we were getting an infant! I only lasted a few weeks nursing him (just due to the crazy busyness of our life situation at the time) and I still had to supplement, but I am glad I did it that much at least.
If you haven’t already received the Reality Blog Award (I didn’t see it on your wall) now you have. Hang it proudly. Here is the shortlink http://wp.me/p2828d-iQ
If you have already received it (and have it hidden) you are just too darn special. At least a few of us think so.
Thank you again Janna!
You are welcome. No go conquer the world.
I always though I was “in touch with my emotions” and I “understood women.” Then I read this blog entry. All this talk of vagina’s, mothers, breastfeeding, and Dave Coulier made my “sympathetic” penis go limp (it was hard from all the pizza talk).
Sidenote: this is the creepiest thing I’ve ever said to someone I don’t know.
You would be surprised by the number of creepy responses I elicit. Seriously, this isn’t even in the top twenty. Wrap your mind around that! And pizza boners. How I know thee well.
Can I just say girlfriend, that I love your new wallpaper!!
Thank you! I do, too. I like how I spend more time decorating my blog than my house. That’s the very definition of a blogging fanatic. Or a crazy person.
I have been considering a new look for the new year. Can’t seem to find a background with little “f” you fingers all over it though. Sad. . .
Being the nosy little hillbilly that I am, I followed the link from janna hill over here and am SO glad I did. I’m hoping that if I just wave at her from down here I won’t have to send a thank you note ~waving frantically~ Moo hidy, woman, you’re funny! Hope your pretend date with the doctor went well…or was it a date with a pretend doctor?…I forget…anyway, for what they’re worth you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much on all accounts! I’ll be updating on how this whole ordeal goes so please, stick around!
I love all of these. ALL of them.
Haha thank you! I’m quite a fan of #9. Okay, I really really really have a problem….
This is your year, baby!
I hope so!