So yesterday I show up to work in my house shoes and the day before that I took a lovely drive through the roadways of our nation’s fourth largest city after an ENT appointment because there’s nothing I like more in life than being bat shit confused. I mean have you experienced this vile invention they call “rush hour traffic”? It’s absolutely pedestrian and they don’t even serve vodka to help you get through it. Rude.
The good news is that because nobody noticed I was wearing house shoes yesterday at work, I decided to wear them again. It feels like my feet are resting in a cloud of sheep’s hair. Because they are.
In other news, the director of my daughter’s preschool assumed Matt and I are twenty-one. We are burdened with what you would call “fetus face” which is due to wildly good genes and a hardcore refusal to stop believing in Santa. Also sex. Lots and lots of sex.
All right. Enough of these shenanigans, let’s get down to business.
My Date with the Oncologist: The Wedding
So not only is my oncologist the coolest human being I’ve ever met in my life but we’re getting married in three weeks. It’s a conundrum though because I also want him to marry my grandmother so I can sit by the fire with him at Christmastime and he can tell me how I’m his favorite granddaughter and deserve five ponies. So many emotions! As far as how the appointment went, he said if he were a betting man, he’d bet the house that my swollen lymph node is benign. He’s still ordering me a CAT scan (meow!) and blood work. As soon as I get the results I’ll write another update. Thank you all again for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. I’ve been feeling a ton better since I’m no longer sick which was worrying me. Now I am strong as ox and lifted my coworker over my head to prove it. He’s still not speaking to me.
My Date with the ENT: I’ve Already Named Our Children
So like I mentioned earlier (about the whole getting lost in butt fuck traffic and asking fellow drivers where they hide the vodka. They wouldn’t tell me, but I assume their crotches), I went to an ENT appointment. I’ve been having a whole mess of allergy related issues which reminds me of my childhood when I used to get weekly allergy shots and everyone called me “pin cushion.” Mostly my dad. My ENT also enjoys using casino terminology and mused that he, too, would “bet the house” that my lymph node is simply a benign, reactive node. Which makes me wonder what exactly is being taught at our nation’s med schools because if it’s black jack, count me in! He also mentioned that there’s a surgery they can perform to reduce the bones in my nose that make it hard for me to breathe which made scream “JACKPOT!!!” (see, I could be a doctor) because now I can claim “medical reasons” when I get my nose job and not “I wanted to see what it feels like to have a surgically enhanced elephant’s trunk on my face.” You can never be too sure about people’s stances on elephants.
Big News on the Writing Front: New Business, New Agent, New Tiny Baby Panda. I Wish.
So not only did I manage to land a literary agent and am scribbling away at my memoir, I also started my own writing company, Inked Writing. Inked Writing is a full service writing boutique that specializes in creating custom, search engine optimized online content for businesses as well as cutting edge copy for print campaigns. Internet marketing is one of my passions (as is writing, naturally) and right now it’s the perfect time for me to branch out. Plus, one of my clients is creating a tres snazzy new site for me, so I’ll update when it’s all ready to go.
Because of all the busy happenings I’ll just be posting on Thursdays and publishing some of my old poetry/short stories on Fridays. You’ve been warned.
Oh and tomorrow I’m publishing a poem about suicide. Cheers!
PS – I voted “Wait. Where am I?” Naturally, I assume you did, too.