You have no idea how hard it is to have perfect skin.
So yesterday I show up to work in my house shoes and the day before that I took a lovely drive through the roadways of our nation’s fourth largest city after an ENT appointment because there’s nothing I like more in life than being bat shit confused. I mean have you experienced this vile invention they call “rush hour traffic”? It’s absolutely pedestrian and they don’t even serve vodka to help you get through it. Rude.
The good news is that because nobody noticed I was wearing house shoes yesterday at work, I decided to wear them again. It feels like my feet are resting in a cloud of sheep’s hair. Because they are.
In other news, the director of my daughter’s preschool assumed Matt and I are twenty-one. We are burdened with what you would call “fetus face” which is due to wildly good genes and a hardcore refusal to stop believing in Santa. Also sex. Lots and lots of sex.
All right. Enough of these shenanigans, let’s get down to business.
My Date with the Oncologist: The Wedding
So not only is my oncologist the coolest human being I’ve ever met in my life but we’re getting married in three weeks. It’s a conundrum though because I also want him to marry my grandmother so I can sit by the fire with him at Christmastime and he can tell me how I’m his favorite granddaughter and deserve five ponies. So many emotions! As far as how the appointment went, he said if he were a betting man, he’d bet the house that my swollen lymph node is benign. He’s still ordering me a CAT scan (meow!) and blood work. As soon as I get the results I’ll write another update. Thank you all again for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. I’ve been feeling a ton better since I’m no longer sick which was worrying me. Now I am strong as ox and lifted my coworker over my head to prove it. He’s still not speaking to me.
My Date with the ENT: I’ve Already Named Our Children
So like I mentioned earlier (about the whole getting lost in butt fuck traffic and asking fellow drivers where they hide the vodka. They wouldn’t tell me, but I assume their crotches), I went to an ENT appointment. I’ve been having a whole mess of allergy related issues which reminds me of my childhood when I used to get weekly allergy shots and everyone called me “pin cushion.” Mostly my dad. My ENT also enjoys using casino terminology and mused that he, too, would “bet the house” that my lymph node is simply a benign, reactive node. Which makes me wonder what exactly is being taught at our nation’s med schools because if it’s black jack, count me in! He also mentioned that there’s a surgery they can perform to reduce the bones in my nose that make it hard for me to breathe which made scream “JACKPOT!!!” (see, I could be a doctor) because now I can claim “medical reasons” when I get my nose job and not “I wanted to see what it feels like to have a surgically enhanced elephant’s trunk on my face.” You can never be too sure about people’s stances on elephants.
Big News on the Writing Front: New Business, New Agent, New Tiny Baby Panda. I Wish.
So not only did I manage to land a literary agent and am scribbling away at my memoir, I also started my own writing company, Inked Writing. Inked Writing is a full service writing boutique that specializes in creating custom, search engine optimized online content for businesses as well as cutting edge copy for print campaigns. Internet marketing is one of my passions (as is writing, naturally) and right now it’s the perfect time for me to branch out. Plus, one of my clients is creating a tres snazzy new site for me, so I’ll update when it’s all ready to go.
Because of all the busy happenings I’ll just be posting on Thursdays and publishing some of my old poetry/short stories on Fridays. You’ve been warned.
Oh and tomorrow I’m publishing a poem about suicide. Cheers!
PS – I voted “Wait. Where am I?” Naturally, I assume you did, too.
Ericka,
Fuck the nose job, but not literally… plastic surgery fornication is expensive.
Congrats on Inked Writing. Not to be a party pooper, but the internet is just a passing fad.
Spray Net, fetus face.
Le Clown
So the director of your daughter’s preschool is visually impiared? done very well for themselves in a very competitive field.
Staying looking young? Don’t forget the beneficial effects of tquilas down the shopping mall. Much under-rated as the Elixir of Youth
I already mailed you at Inked Writing. Just to show that I’m a real person. Good luck with the venture
Isn’t a nose job something you have done to your car down the custom shop?
Oooh, so that IS your nose!
Congratulations on Inked Writing, but shame on you on the shoe front … what is next? sweatpants? sweatpants with matching wrist-sweat-thingy ?
I got a little excited at the “lots and lots of sex” part. And then I imagined “lots and lots of sex in house shoes” and it was out of control! By the way, is that what the rest of the world calls “slippers”?
I was just told this morning, that half of the senior citizen aquarobics class that I’m a part of thought I was 10 years younger. But now I can inform them the actual medical term is “fetus face.” Also, did you say boobs?
I read a quote from Mark Cuban recently that said something about learning to become passionate about the things you spend most of your time doing. So I’m trying to take his advice and fall in love with 20 mile commutes that take 90 minutes. If I can learn to love it, people will ask me how I’m doing, and I could say with complete honesty, “livin’ the dream, man!”
Go on with your badself on the business front. I’ve pondered rhinoplasty since I was 16, so 11 years, but I’ve seen enough pics of you to notice I didn’t notice your nose so you obv. don’t need it. I still voted call me when it’s boobs. You’re welcome.
Two specialists’ houses being bet? I hope you took the bets. Especially if their paid off. Just sayin’.
they’re*
Congrats on the new ventures, Fetus Face. I wish I could steal your stem cells.
I did indeed vote “Where am I?” Great news about the benignity (that must be a real word because spell check didn’t bust me) situation! The critters barely even looked up when I hollered “WooHoo!” – guess they’re getting used to the random outbursts, which is a little scary. Kudos on the new venture, and if I ever write anything that’s actually worth searching for, you’re my girlish go-to.
Vagina.
Ericka,
You. Are. Awesome. Amazing. Inspiring. All that and a box of Kleenex.
So glad the fiancée/future grandpa-in-law thinks it’s a benign lump. Looking forward to confirmation.
Fetus face? Ha! I’ve had similar responses over the years. When my son was 16 or 17 we went to a movie where he was told it’s cute he had taken his little sister to a movie. In my case, I think the enlarged fat cells may be working to my advantage in this small way.
Congrats on your new business. WooHoo!
Good luck and may many people realize you are much better with words than they.
Be well,
Kina
Houston Texas? Oh hell yes I would hire you. Send me a bill with and a bottle of Smirnoff.
LOVE YOUR COMPANY IDEA!!! Yay!!!! You go girl. No on the nose job, yes on the vodka crotch and kewel on the fetus face!!! rock on.
You know I miss the word “kewel”?? I used to use it all the time. I think it’s time reinstate it! Oh and vodka crotch. Now that’s just the best!
Go Inked Writing! That’s so cool. I’m happy/jealous about that and the agent. You’re doing so many more cool things than I am. Yay!/Grrr! Oh, but I did find a dollar bill on the sidewalk a few days ago, so I got that going for me. *waits in vain for someone to say, “Sure you do, Calahan. Sure you do.” *
Good luck on the kitten scan. Paws crossed.
Thank you Calahan! And if I had a dime for every time I’ve been happy/jealous of a fellow writer I’d have like a 100 dimes and then I’d start crying because I really wouldn’t know how much that was because math fuck you.
Also, sure you did Calahan, sure you did.
Double also, thanks for the paw crossing.
Best wishes for medical stuff – ra ra dancing with pom poms for the Inked Writing – leave the face alone!
But more important than that shiz – hands of my cubs woman!
BUT THEY’RE JUST TOO ADORABLE!!
All the news sounds great. I hope you located the vodka.
I have an inner vodka tracking system. So no worries there!
I am betting all my poker chips that your lymph node is filled with healing chocolate that you’ll get to reinjest and then live forever.
That. Sounds. Awesome.
Ericka,
Can I be one of your bridesmaids at your wedding to your oncologist? Please tell me the dresses will be retro 80′s style and have a hidden pocket to carry my vodka in.
Fat Bottom Girl
P.S. Told you I had ESP!!
Haha you did! And there’s not one but two hidden pockets! Get ready to rock it totally eighties style.
hi Ericka!
I used to read your blog plenty when you were on alabastercow.com. somehow i didn’t make the transition with you when you moved here – but was totally happy when going through my Reader the other day and i found your new URL..
Here’s hoping your lumpy-lump is totally benign. I’ll be thinking of you.
Also. Fetus face? HAHAHA. Loved that!
I definitely remember you, ExMi! Thank you so much and glad you found me again. Found you on Twitter so I’ll stay in touch.
Currently living with fetus face as well…I do not know how many times I have answered the silly question, “Are you even old enough to drive?!” For the 100000000th time world, YES!
Haha, just say “My mommy said I could!!” and then start screaming. It usually works for me.
Thanks for the advice- i’ll have to let you know how it goes ; )
I want to acknowledge how much I enjoy your blog by sending over to you a Versatile Blogger award nomination. Thanks for the hilarity. http://geekybooksnob.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/a-moment-of-gratitude/
Thank you for this!
So if it does turn out to be malignant, can you claim the houses of your Oncologist and your ENT Specialist? I really hope you can. You could sell them back to them at an inflated cost to cover any necessary treatment and bills such as childcare and prank phone calls.
I always wondered where people hid the vodka. Thanks for the tip. I assumed people pissed their pants waiting in traffic for so long to get anywhere. But nooooooo… they just rear-ended the guy in front of them and spilled a drink!
So glad your health scare is turning benign. Some scans, a few free ponies… another regular date with your fiance.
Haha thank you and me too! Nothing I won’t do for a few free ponies, I tell ya!
Hi Ericka! I’m happy to see you are still blogging! Congrats on Inked Writing. That’s awesome! Also, I hope that lymph node is benign and you will remain healthy and well. I have some crazy lymph nodes that scare the hell out of me as well. But after testing and CAT scans they said there is nothing to worry about. I’m sure you will be fine. But I’ll send out some shout outs to the universe for you just in case.
Hey Ashley! Thanks so much for stopping by! It’s nice to talk to someone who knows what this feels like. So happy you’re doing well and everything turned out fine! I’ve been feeling pretty good lately so I’m hoping it’s nothing, but I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated. Seems like you’re doing well on the writing front. Have any writing projects in particular you’re working on?
Good luck conquering the world, Ericka. Please be a benevolent ruler.