Sitting, thinking, writing.
I’m two seconds away from shutting this whole operation down.
I get this way. A lot. I’m the queen of inviting you to my Facebook page and then tearing it down the moment you get there so you can forever wonder if I have some sort of vendetta against you that involves stealing all of your microwavable popcorn and that snow globe your Uncle Hal brought you back from Tucson. I’m going through that right now. I’m having that itchy feeling again and all I can think about is shutting down Creative Liar, my Facebook page and Twitter. And I don’t even have any popcorn or a snow globe or an Uncle Hal to cheer me up.
Really, I’m just overwhelmed. I do this to myself. I get involved in a lot and then when it starts to break me down I just want to hit the “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” button and go hide in a corner. But I’m not going to do that this time. Instead, I’m going to stick this shit through and do what I do worse. Open up.
I’ve talked about my anxiety before, but I don’t know if I’ve talked about my depression. Depression is an interesting bitch. As a writer I need her. I crave her. One time they gave me medication, and I missed her. I thought without depression I can’t write, I can’t do anything with passion and all I’ll end up is one of those suburban housewives whose greatest feat is hitting a sale at Target and posting their finds on Facebook. Kill. Me.
But things are a little different now. Depression is no longer my greatest foe and I’ve kind of gotten over the craving to continuously braid her hair. Instead, I’m up against anxiety, and I’ve learned she’s an even bigger bitch with nicer boobs than me. I mean, I get so fucking anxious that when I’m driving down a street and I see someone walking their dog, I panic because I don’t know if I’m supposed to wave, honk, ignore them, eat a sub sandwich… So many possibilities! I get anxious because I know people expect me to be the funny quirky girl and sometimes I just want to punch everyone in the face. But not you. You’re grand.
The point of all this? I guess to let you know that I’m swamped, I’m agitated, I’m fucking irritated and yet? I’m miserably happy. I’m excited about my business and I’m horrendously shocked at how awesome it feels to be in charge of my life while sitting in my pajamas. Okay, yoga pants, but still. Matt and I are super best friends and I sometimes take that for granted. He’s really been so supportive and pretty much living without him would mean dressing up as Alf and asking strangers if I can eat their cats. So folks, you should be grateful he exists. My daughter is joy unaltered. Period. I have a great sister. She’s not my “real” sister, but if I believed in “real,” I wouldn’t be a grown adult writing a blog and obsessed with Hanson. And I’m still writing, heart sparked passionate as ever.
I think this year I’m going to change a few things. Me for starters. I’m going to keep this blog, but I’m going to use it more for me than for anyone or anything else. I was thinking about shutting down comments, but I love that you guys read me and that I’ve made some sort of impression on you even if it means you’ve taken to keying cars. So keep commenting and I’ll keep commenting back. Just bear with me if it takes a little while. You may see me less in your newsfeed and on Twitter but I’m still around. If you want to say “hi” just message me or email me at ericka.clay@gmail.com. Also, I’m going to use this blog as a therapist of sorts every now and again. I may be funny. I may not. I just need a little more freedom if that’s okay with you folks.
So get ready for Ericka unplugged. It’s a lot like Ericka plugged with a smidge more profanity and way better hair. And 43% more Alf.
Life is a process. ( quiting someone but don’t know who). It be ok tay. Go for it.
Autocorrect bits hiney. Quote-ing no quitting. Oh wait yeah I quit autocorrect!
Thank you, Julie. Feeling a lot better today. I think I’ve gotten shit under control. At least this morning anyway. I’ll take it.
Ericka,
I haven’t been following you long and it was exactly this kind of you doing, saying, and writing on BBW that brought you to my attention anyway. Your sharp and satirical wit in the midst of the anxiety and depression are awe inspiring to me who lost my self and my sense of humor somewhere along the way. I appreciate it, but don’t expect it. This is your blog and your life. You do you and take care of yourself however you need to. I’ll be around.
I can’t keep up though, I thought Dave Coullier was your unhealthy obsession?
Be well,
Kina
Everything is my unhealthy obsession, Kina. Well, mostly anything related to the ’90′s.
And thank you. I feel better. I’m really grateful for the support and knowing there are truly wonderful people like you out there that can understand something like this. It doesn’t feel so lonely. And I’ve already written a funny post for Thursday, so don’t worry! I’ll be getting back to the funny sooner than later!
Ericka, whatever works for you, whenever it happens. I’ll read it, relate to it, think about it, and ultimately enjoy it on one level or another. So, write for you, not for the audience.
Change can bring anxiety – anxiety is a state of hyper-awareness, which might help in times of danger. Of course, not being primates any more it can get out of hand, because now we can get anxious about being anxious (something non-conscious critters can’t do).
As long as your not taking on more than is realistic, and Matt sounds like a chap who’ll tell you if you are, bear with the anxiety- it’s trying to help.
Something that helped me through anxiety was to meditate daily – not to achieve anything (enlightenment, zen or whatever) but because it reprograms the brain to tolerate silence without filling it with ‘thought-fuzz’.
The other thing was Paul Gilbert – The Compassionate Mind: which has such a brilliant description of how anxiety can create a feedback loop, that it was enough to help me break that loop.
Calming hugs
Sounds like me! I’m at take 3 with the whole blog thing, as for the ‘others’ – deactivate, start a new etc. Though I did decide that when it all gets overwhelming I might just delete the apps off my phone, not bother checking things & plan coffee dates! Keep calm & work those yoga pants
xx
“continuously braid her hair” – I so get it. Sometimes just a phrase really makes me think.
It actually sounds like you’re grabbing depression and anxiety by their gonads and making them work for you, not against you. Or at least, that that’s what you’re trying to do.
I can understand the wanting to delete everything and start again thing – sometimes it’s a lot easier to start fresh than to change what exists, which I think is the attraction for so many folks to run away – until they realise that running away only changes their geography, not their history. (I worked that one out when I went to uni… It took a while to come to terms with it though.)
You sound like me. I had 284 friends on Facebook and in less than a month, I now have 64. I have also contemplated deleting it, on more than a dozen occasions. I can’t tell you the last I logged into Pinterest, I’m sure it’s been plenty a few days since I “tweeted”. & I didn’t know I had a Google+ until Le Clown added me. I still don’t know how that works. I’d give some advice, but your call is as good as mine and I don’t want you to go away. I don’t care if you’re never funny again. I like ya.
Hey sweetie. I had no idea you were coping w depression and anxiety. Those two are wretched bitches. I’ve become good friends with them lately and modern meds in a pez dispenser when I need help dealing w their shit is heaven sent. Hugs to ya kid and keep doing whatever makes you happy. That includes tone up sketchers and yoga pants
Breath girl, it will be ok.
I hope that my ideas didn’t send you into a downward spiral. They tend to do that to me. I also have been dealing a lot with anxiety, and let me just say; she really is a bitch. But my boobs are bigger. That might be a weight thing. I agree completely with RuleofStupid. My anxiety is usually at an all time high when I’m going through some serious changes. Most importantly, when I’m taking risks. I think that’s the thing to focus on. Taking risks is the most beautiful thing in the world, if you’re not employed in a field where taking risks would be considered reckless. Like baby juggling.
yay! You aren’t shutting down. Huzzah!
Depression is a right old cow, but some of my best stuff is written when I’m deep in the pit. some of my funniest stuff too. yeah yeah, I hear you, I must be very unfunny when I’m noraml, hahaha.
Blog what you like Ericka. I’ll still read you. You’re one of my longest established followers, but that isn’t the sole reason I read you. I just like reading you.
Do whatever you need to do, chick. Be safe, be well, be yourself. We’re not going anywhere.
I am happy to hear that you are continuing with the blog. For purely selfish reasons. Plus, who doesn’t need 43% more Alf in their life?
You’re the best ‘real’ sister a gal could ask for!…. you did mean me right? even if you didn’t, just say you did… it will help me not dive into a sea of ben and jerry’s swirls of marshmallow goodness. <3 <3
Ericka, I relate to this! I have had many a bad day, week, or month where I just thought “fuck this, I am taking my men off this mission!”. For some reason or another, I always talked myself off of the ledge, and you know what? I have yet to regret it. Creative Liar is YOUR baby. Make it whatever YOU want. I know I will still be around…
Has it ever occurred to you that you have so many devoted followers simply because you are who who are, and your personality shines through in your writing, regardless of which particular facet you are choosing to share with us at any one time? I believe you express what many people who have struggled or are struggling with depression and/or anxiety want to be able to say, and you do it with such integrity that it almost feels as if you were a mind reader! So take take care of yourself in your own inimitable way, and that will content your wellwishers too.
paulineos, you said that so perfectly that I will second it.
I can sooo totally relate but look how far you had to scroll to reach this comment. You’re doing fine
I’ll second Tracy’s second.
I didn’t know about the ALF thing with you. Now I know why I follow you. ALF affinity.
Ericka, you do what you need to do! I like your spirit. You don’t even need to return this comment!
I read you because you write beautifully and you are honest. And honestly funny. Being overwhelmed we often steer for the dramatic, the action we can take with the most impact to create change the fastest. Of course, do what you need to to create balance in your life. But I think writing is who you are and writing is so what you do. If you choose to keep it public, I’ll keep reading.
Take care of those gray cells.
Good gravy, I really love Alf. Like, I had a poster. And a three foot tall Alf and a keychain Alf and a medium sized travel Alf.
I also love big fat ugly honesty. Good on you, sister. Good on you.
You gotta do you, girl!
I’m all in favor of more profanity and more Alf. Bring it on. You need to write for you, and the people who are like-minded will come along for the ride no matter what you write. No worries.
Ericka–I was you 20 years ago. And I can tell you, you do not need depression to write. It took me a couple of kids, a couple of international moves and a lot of aging and wisdom gaining to figure it out, and to start writing again–but trust me. I’m older than you and I know what I am talking about. Write, write, write. Vent, use your blog as a Freudian couch if you need to–BUT, and this is a huge BUT–don’t buy into the theory that you need to be a tortured soul to create. A lot of us are, deep down, but we can create, and create beautiful jewels of words strung into gorgeous art, you just have to keep doing it. Don’t be like me and waste 15 years of creativity by convincing myself that if I was happy, there was nothing to write about.
Well well well I didn’t think I would come face to face with an imagine of such familiarity, in fact its rather unnerving after thinking for so long how wonderfully original I am, but apparently not and you stole me…from me. Personally I recently decided to stop complaining about not being published (Australia is a tough and crappy literary nut to crack) and blog my writing in the hope of being somewhat marketable and be more proactive, so I am new to the blog-osphere and keep to my quiet corner, pushing out radiant themes and my own creative agenda (without personal excess). Somewhat familiar in your own brush with crazy is my own, of me rushing to Emergency a couple of weeks ago after having a panic attack because according to the young man with the clipboard and an ECG I have quite bad anxiety. Apparently only very intelligent people have panic attacks and anxiety, I feel so special, and unique and utterly stupid. But that’s neither here nor there the fact is that you are a Hanson fan and I am one of those also, I hid in the shadows like a kid with moonshine during prohibition, instead of swigging my addiction behind comic books I was playing the upbeat music and dancing around our living room with my kids unbeknownst to the outside world. Now I have released the fear and wear it proudly but have a sneaking suspicion that contact with them via web and Instagram may not be so healthy for my over active imagination as one of the characters from a current project is turning out remarkably like Zac circa 2001.
So yes, maybe too much personal information right there from me, but also maybe not.
Feel free to stop by and see my own litany of narcissism and refurbished fact I pass off as fiction.
P.S Your candour is refreshing
Depression, like an overbearing relative who begins sentences with ‘here’s what you’re doing wrong’, is an asshole. It’s a fight you an win, but it feels like a never ending battle. That’s why taking care of you is important and I think you’re going about doing so in the right way. Move forward however you feel is best for you, the rest of us are just along for the ride. Personally, I have no intention of getting off at any nearby stop, so I’ll be around.
Glad you’re sticking around, Calahan! I’ve been feeling much better. I just needed to vent and I’m glad I did. I’m also glad to have a great group of supportive readers like yourself.
You generate a loyalty in your readers by being an amazing and entertaining Ericka Clay.
It’s always a relief to read someone who is familiar with the types of struggles I’ve been enduring lately. If it isn’t depression, it’s her obnoxious twin sister, anxiety.
The trigger you mention of seeing someone walk their dog and growing anxious because you don’t know how to act is interesting. I find that my triggers are also strange an unpredictable. The big one for me is anything in the realm of nostalgia. Nostalgic things have a way of reaching into my throat, gripping my aorta, and yanking it up into my nasal cavity. I keep a picture on my office wall – it’s a picture story that my 7 year old drew/wrote. It’s beautiful.
It’s driving me insane.
Thanks again for sharing.
You’re welcome, Lucas. There may be a few of us that are a bit crazy, but at least we’re not alone. It helps to think of it like that.
I love that you’re obsessed with Hanson, just like me.
But please don’t eat my cat.
I’ll think about it.
Bring on the profanities!!
F#$%#*$%$&(#%*(ck!
Do what you have to do Sista! in the meantime please sew this delightful patch to something suitable, Cat, Husband, fave pair of jeans whateva in lieu of displaying blog awards if that is not your ‘thang’ – I nominated you anyway whether you like it or not: http://wordswithnannaprawn.com/2013/01/21/swinging-my-pants-with-another-blog-award/
Woohoo! Thank you!!
I see you wrote this post two weeks ago. I hope you have been able to follow through on your plans and are on more firm footing. My son has anxiety issues. I have some idea of what you mean here.
By the way, my blog moved. Here is the new address:memyselfandkids.com
If Jenny Lawson’s work is any indication – and it is – you’ll kick major butt by cutting loose, Ericka.
All the best to you.
Thank you!