Just driving to the grocery store, thinking about all the best friends/naked I’m gonna get.
Life should be easy but it’s not because not everyone understands simple concepts like shelves that only come up to your waist or produce workers who don’t look at you like you have an ass that won’t quit even though you do and may or may not wear tight fitting yoga pants to show off this fact as well as randomly point at your backside at inappropriate times like right before someone tries to take the last head of cabbage that you will later juice and trick your husband into thinking it’s beer. (What’s wrong with you?? Also? High five.)
Because of this and the sad realization that grocery stores do, in fact, exist, I’ve decided to teach you how to grocery shop. Be forewarned, however, that grocery stores do not allow cats of either the glittered or unglittered variety. They also prefer that you wear clothes.
HOW TO SHOP AT THE GROCERY STORE
- Now I’m not one to be judgmental (you really think that shade of lipstick looks good on you? Come on, Mom. You’re better than this), but I have a hard time believing that not showing off your perfectly shaped hindquarters at all hours of the day is doing anyone any favors. Sure, the lettuce guy is all like “Hey you want some lettuce?” and then when you turn around, he starts throwing the leaves at you like dollar bills, but if you can’t enjoy a good air salad, then I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends. Unless you own a Porsche. Then we can be friends again. So really, it’s essential to wear your tightest fitting pair of yoga pants to the grocery store. If nothing else, it will show you’re worldly and know exactly how, when, and where to purchase a pair as well as the fact that you’re fully capable of realizing that you can’t grocery shop naked even though it is a very, very, very stupid rule.
- Find tall people. You’re going to want to have this one in your back pocket at all times like when your stupid balloon gets stuck in a stupid tree or your stupid boyfriend leaves you for a stupid supermodel who doesn’t wear a stupid bra or when you want to make a stupid friend, so what I like to do is find a good-natured, mammoth-sized woman to help me get things down that the grocery store likes to put on the very top shelves like my dignity. It’s essential not to get too excited about meeting your new best friend so play it off like you’re embarrassed and thank her. But not too much, though. They hate that. So then at this point rush your shopping so that you can “accidentally” get in the line right next to her and try not to stare too hard at her beauty. Once you’re all bagged up, nonchalantly get into a steady cart pushing rhythm next to her and mention that you once met Deion Sanders outside of a bathroom in the Tallahassee airport. If she takes the bait, then perfect. She has the good sense to realize what a god Deion Sanders is. If not, it doesn’t matter, you’re best friends anyway and you really need to look inside yourself to forgive her for her shortcomings. And even if she declines when you ask her to come over to your house to try out some “new hairstyles,” don’t worry. If the picture you snapped of her license plate doesn’t come out blurry, then you’re golden.
- Get naked. In your car. Right before you leave. Because this is America. That’s why.
I think we’ve really worked something out here. Yoga pants? New best friend? Illegally naked? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were Ericka Clay and on your way to make a copy of the house key your new best friend accidentally dropped on the ground! So enjoy the day, you crazy grocery shopper you, and remember, they can make us wear pants, but they can’t take away our dignity!
Unless they put it on a very tall shelf. Sigh.
Listen to this post below!
I should try the grocery shopping naked thing…. at the very least it would clear out the store. LOL! Great post.
Thank you! And you’re right, it does. But it also means you have to go to the police station and those benches are really cold without pants. Bring a towel.
True. Very true. On the upside, though, maybe someone would try to “squeeze my melons” or, better, try to purchase them.
Hahaha! I think if someone squeezed mine they’d ask for a refund…
Tight pants? I’ve been wearing my finest only-home-appropriate pants… This has been eye-opening.
I’m very glad I’ve helped you learn something, Katie. I have a feeling you’re tall. Let’s be best friends.
Sadly, I’m only 5.7. I can think I could easily stretch myself out to 6’2 though. …Let’s be best friends anyway.
This post needs more visual aids.
Well, I did try to get Deion to guest star but he’s way too busy being god-like.
That lettuce guy knows how to party. Fact!
He really does! Just don’t start dancing unless you want to know what salad dressing feels like…cold and dignity stealing.
Ummm, he tells everyone it’s salad dressing.
I knew I should have gone against my gut instinct and listened to Matt…
I dug the audio blog too. Hahaha, funny stuff.
Thanks Bill!
I prefer just pushing the cart around and doing wheelies.
Now that always works, too. Just remember to have no regard for anyone’s personal space!
Well, the hubs gets pissed when I hit the back of his heels with the cart. Then I can’t pick my own cereal or
snack. It take a lot of whining to make up for heel hacking.
I am, in fact, already wearing my awesome yoga pants. But I don’t know if that in itself is reason enough to go to the store.
And I’m tall. So, I guess it’s up to me to instigate more best-friend relationships and force – uh, inflict – uh, OFFER my generous services to everyone I see who is shorter than me.
I am not particularly tall, but people like to ask me to get things on high shelves for them. I, personally, believe it is because it is entertaining for them when they watch me pull my cart over to the side of the aisle and then climb inside my cart in order to reach their items for them. Especially that time I misjudged the distance between the cart and the item and the cart went one way and I went the other. I don’t help people anymore. O_o
The effort you’ve expended in the name of tiny people means you get ten best friend points. I’ll be over at your house in fifteen. Don’t worry, I’m bringing scrunchies!
Scrunchies! Can you crimp my hair and do my makeup, too? I am going to a Totally 80′s Prom party tonight and I am worried about my costume!
It’s not only up to you, Anita, but as a tiny person of America, I can honestly say it’s expected. Go forth and prosper…and please hand me those green peas while you’re at it.
I’ve always thought that whole having to wear clothes in the grocery store was kind of a dumb rule. Unless it’s WalMart. There aren’t a lot of people in WalMart I’d want to see naked.
Ditto! Hardcore.
Can you drive around nekkid in Texas? Apparently that is “illegal” and “offensive” and a “felony” in California that warrants certain “naturalists” to attend “meetings” and “register” with “parole officers” when they “relocate” to find a new “life.” That’s what “I heard.”
You are my new favorite. And “legal”? What’s “legal”?
I don’t know what “legal” is but I know that “illegal” is a sick bird.
I’m gonna have me an air salad. Mmm…tastes good, Ericka. I’ve been doing this thing all wrong!
It’s like the air particles are the dressing. I know. It blew my mind, too.
Loved listening to you “read” your own post. What a concept.
So is this just YOU going grocery store naked, or everyone? I think the lettuce might come in handy if this was a free-for-all. Lettuce has bigger leaves than figs and look how useful that was, oh, a few thousand years ago.
Haha thanks! A friend of mine used to do the voice overs for my posts when I had Creative Liar before (self-hosted) so I thought I might start giving it a go. It sure is fun no matter how psychotic I sound.
And I think a naked free-for-all is pretty much a necessity. This reminds me. I need to preregister for that nudist retirement home…
You don’t sound too psychotic and it sure sounds fun. I think if you “voice” in your retirement application they will take you for sure. No questions or clothes needed.
Hahaha! The rules get even crazier if you grocery shop at Wal-Mart. Then you have to wear CAMO yoga pants. Great post! Also, just noticed that I’m lying to you. Really, I’m not!
Haha, every time I read the “lie to me” part I feel like I have to put a disclaimer in my replies that I’m not in fact lying. This is what happens when you’re raised an only child…a Catholic one at that. And Camo yoga pants…Ericka smells a new purchase!
One day i must ask you to explain the term ‘yoga pants.’ It’s a genuine mystery. I may ask you again on Twitter just to embarrass you.
Oh man, Duncan, by now you should learn that “embarrassed” is not in my repertoire. “Cats” and “glitter,” sure. But “embarrassed”? Never.
I think it would do huge damage to your credibility if word gets round on Twitter that one of your biggest fans and advocates is a Brit dork. That’s all I meant.
I had to actually google “Deion Sanders” … but i am tall, so you can start sucking up anytime now
You have really pretty hair.
I am the tall person you’re wanting to befriend. And even I can’t always reach stuff off the top shelves, especially when it’s right at the back. Having worked in a supermarket, I can tell you that I did once literally climb the shelves to lift something down for a customer. Because I’m just cool like that.
Okay, so now that you’ve told me that you’re willing to climb the shelves, this means we have an 8:30 dinner date at the Cheesecake Factory to talk about how awesome nail polish is. Be there or be square.
Is that 8.30 in GMT, EST, PST, BST, STD or HIV?
ALL THE ABOVE!!
What did women do before you came along, Ericka?
Scrapbooking.
The audio was great because it was exactly how I thought you would sound as I read the piece. Ha.
Voice of an angel right? Now if someone could just explain to me why my husband hoards ear plugs…
Actually, I liked your voice a lot.
Well, there goes the cash I spent on “talk like a chipmunk” lessons. Maybe I can get the money back. To buy an actual chipmunk.
It’d be cheaper to lose the chip and just buy a monk.
So interesting to hear what you sound like without clothes on!
You know I sit in front of my computer screen naked way too often. And then I get all paranoid about it like people can see me through the screen. But then I realize I’m wearing my Skechers and a top hat so I feel a lot more comfortable about everything.