Life should be easy but it’s not because not everyone understands simple concepts like shelves that only come up to your waist or produce workers who don’t look at you like you have an ass that won’t quit even though you do and may or may not wear tight fitting yoga pants to show off this fact as well as randomly point at your backside at inappropriate times like right before someone tries to take the last head of cabbage that you will later juice and trick your husband into thinking it’s beer. (What’s wrong with you?? Also? High five.)
Because of this and the sad realization that grocery stores do, in fact, exist, I’ve decided to teach you how to grocery shop. Be forewarned, however, that grocery stores do not allow cats of either the glittered or unglittered variety. They also prefer that you wear clothes.
HOW TO SHOP AT THE GROCERY STORE
- Now I’m not one to be judgmental (you really think that shade of lipstick looks good on you? Come on, Mom. You’re better than this), but I have a hard time believing that not showing off your perfectly shaped hindquarters at all hours of the day is doing anyone any favors. Sure, the lettuce guy is all like “Hey you want some lettuce?” and then when you turn around, he starts throwing the leaves at you like dollar bills, but if you can’t enjoy a good air salad, then I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends. Unless you own a Porsche. Then we can be friends again. So really, it’s essential to wear your tightest fitting pair of yoga pants to the grocery store. If nothing else, it will show you’re worldly and know exactly how, when, and where to purchase a pair as well as the fact that you’re fully capable of realizing that you can’t grocery shop naked even though it is a very, very, very stupid rule.
- Find tall people. You’re going to want to have this one in your back pocket at all times like when your stupid balloon gets stuck in a stupid tree or your stupid boyfriend leaves you for a stupid supermodel who doesn’t wear a stupid bra or when you want to make a stupid friend, so what I like to do is find a good-natured, mammoth-sized woman to help me get things down that the grocery store likes to put on the very top shelves like my dignity. It’s essential not to get too excited about meeting your new best friend so play it off like you’re embarrassed and thank her. But not too much, though. They hate that. So then at this point rush your shopping so that you can “accidentally” get in the line right next to her and try not to stare too hard at her beauty. Once you’re all bagged up, nonchalantly get into a steady cart pushing rhythm next to her and mention that you once met Deion Sanders outside of a bathroom in the Tallahassee airport. If she takes the bait, then perfect. She has the good sense to realize what a god Deion Sanders is. If not, it doesn’t matter, you’re best friends anyway and you really need to look inside yourself to forgive her for her shortcomings. And even if she declines when you ask her to come over to your house to try out some “new hairstyles,” don’t worry. If the picture you snapped of her license plate doesn’t come out blurry, then you’re golden.
- Get naked. In your car. Right before you leave. Because this is America. That’s why.
I think we’ve really worked something out here. Yoga pants? New best friend? Illegally naked? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were Ericka Clay and on your way to make a copy of the house key your new best friend accidentally dropped on the ground! So enjoy the day, you crazy grocery shopper you, and remember, they can make us wear pants, but they can’t take away our dignity!
Unless they put it on a very tall shelf. Sigh.
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