Sitting around, eating some Doritos, wondering when that thing from Star Trek will be invented so we can say “I want a cheeseburger” and then it magically appears on a plate?
Since we’re both just sitting around chilling like the iced out bitches we are (haha…naughty words!), let’s go ahead and talk about something near and dear to the heart of all Americans. Cat glittering.
How to Glitter a Cat
You can tell these aren’t cats because penis. Wait…what? Oh right. Penis.
- You think cat glittering starts with commandeering a cat, don’t you? You arrogant son of a bitch. Haha, no but really cat glittering starts off with making sure you have all of your equipment in place, including your cat glittering uniform. Personalization is key so the cats can tell you’re no doormat that follows everything a beautiful lady on the Internet says because they are horrible self-centered creatures. So let’s talk uniform:
- Cats. Hate. Pasties. One moment you’re taking off your shirt to put stickers on your boobs and the next they’re looking at you like your mother did that time you wore your her earrings and accidentally swallowed one. They looked like licorice, mother!!! How is a thirteen-year-old supposed to know any better??? Anyways, sticker away those boobies and show those cats who’s boss.
- Sombreros. You’ll need one on your head and one in your truck to lure those cats in with the delicious prospect of tacos and mariachi music. I had not one but two mariachi bands at my wedding and let me just say I have never before had the pleasure of watching so many cats use Matthew as a human scratching post. To this day he still finds stray whiskers.
- Galoshes aren’t just for rain anymore. Really were they ever for rain? Haven’t they always been for people to say “Hmm…that lady ain’t right in the head wearing those galoshes without a shirt on”? Well now they’re also for cat glittering because cats just love scratching the veins right out of your ankles as much as they enjoy judging your choice of boobie accoutrement. Bastards.
- You should probably put on some pants. Cats love dangly bits if you know what I mean…………………………………………penises.
- Be Kanye West. Okay so I read this meme somewhere that said something to the effect of “I wish someone loved me as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West” and I was all like “Hey, I should really buy more pasties” and then I was all like “Ding, ding, ding, yes! Kanye West has this shit figured out!” because cats hate nothing more in the world than someone who truly loves herself/himself and/or Kanye West. And pasties. And dangly penises. Did I mention penises? Penises.
- Don’t have a penis.
That pretty much covers it. There are some extra details you should take in consideration like rolling in a vat of salmon and charmingly whispering things like “Meow, meow…meow meow meow…penises.” (These are also highly effective if you’re married to my husband.) But really, cat glittering is all about having heart and knowing you’re doing something good in the world with a container of glitter. And without a penis.