Our new microwave. Standing in front of it for thirty minutes helped me answer all of these questions.
Hey fart faces! I’ve finally answered your questions and have come to the conclusion that I’m about as sane as strangers I meet on the Internet. I appreciate all the well thought out questions, even the one from my dad that is in no way embarrassing/senile. It’s okay dad, I totally won’t get back at you by having Dave Coulier “act” out scenes from Full House for your birthday or tell anyone how much respect you have for Monday night wrestling. Woops. So without further ado, your questions, answered.
*Quick note: I wasn’t able to get to all of your questions into this one post since there were so many (and thank you for that!) so I broke the post down into two parts. If your question isn’t answered in this post, it will be on Thursday December 6th. To make up for it, I’m sending Dave Coulier to all your houses to do his “impression” of Bullwinkle. He will also be cleaning your toilets.
Love and Lunch Meat: Dear Ericka, Why does the oil always separate from the peanut butter when you buy natural peanut butter? Why are toddlers so difficult to pottytrain? Is it because they all want to be astronauts anyway? Why does my hound sleep so much?
ANSWER: It seems like you have a lot on your plate with an astronaut baby, sleeping dog and an obsession with natural peanut butter. I suggest letting your astronaut baby know if it doesn’t go potty you’ll let the dog eat all the peanut butter. I would then tell the hound if it doesn’t stop sleeping so much, you’ll let your astronaut baby eat all the peanut butter. Then eat all the peanut butter yourself in secret and tell them a rabid giraffe did it. Oh and the oil separates from the peanut butter because peanut butter lost oil’s respect after hooking up with that skank, jelly.
Tara Seguin Writes: How can I be more like Ericka Clay? What are the rules for comma usage? Can I send you whiskey instead? Is it too late to be called an Alabastard? What’s your go-to writer’s reference resource?
ANSWER: Well, Alabastard Tara, I’ve created two handy guides to being me. One involves all the things I irrationally hate and the other involves my husband who has a hard time finding the ketchup and his dignity that I buried somewhere in the Reno area. And com,as,?,,,?? I’ll just pretend you asked my feelings on grown men wearing mullets. Luke warm, yet somewhat erotic. Just like the whiskey you can send me as long as you change it to vodka. As for my go-to writer’s reference resource: my brain. And Barry who lives under the overpass and sells the “shrimp” he found in a ditch behind the Long John Silvers.
irunibreathe: Was being vegan a choice (not allergy-driven) or was it suggested by a cow with a gun?
ANSWER: My choice to become vegan was boob driven although I’m very curious to meet this precocious gun wielding cow character. I was nursing Ava when I realized she was turned off by dairy as well as people who confused her for a baby and not a pint-sized master of the dark arts. Not wanting to invoke her sadistic nature, I quickly stopped eating all dairy products followed by meat products because if you’re going to suffer you might as well not half-ass it, hence the reason why I listen to Niki Minaj while reading books written by Snooki from the Jersey Shore with movies featuring Kristen Stewart playing in the background.
Becca3146: You can have some of my ass.
My question for you is this: What should I do tonight? Seriously, I’m going to be bored on whatever night you answer this. I know your suggestion won’t let me down.
ANSWER: What a very nice ass offering, Becca. Your mother will be pleased to know she raised you right. In all fairness, I have way too much ass to handle myself, but if sitting ever becomes an issue, I know who to call. As for what you should do tonight, I suggest styling your hair into a mullet, stopping by the grocery store to buy natural peanut butter in bulk, then heading home to listen to one of our generation’s best female musical artists, Niki Minaj, while sending pictures of yourself eating all the peanut butter to Love and Lunchmeat’s astronaut baby and sleepy dog. You’d only be doing her a favor.
calahan: My question is this: Why are you driving past my house at night and shooting out my porch light? Replacing all of those bulbs is getting expensive!
ANSWER: If you don’t know what you did, calahan, then I’m not telling you!!! Okay fine. I saw your wearing Skechers Shape Ups one time and you may or may not have looked more fabulous than me. Are you happy???
Adrienne schmadrienne: If you’re not vegan anymore, then what are you? I was vegetarian once then I realized that eating is just way too enjoyable to eat fake tofu meat.
ANSWER: I’m Ericka. I make rash decisions like going vegan and bragging about it and when I start eating meat again I convince people it’s because it was suggested by a carrot with a gun. I also enjoy taking long drives to shoot out calahan’s porch light and letting Dave Coulier believe I’m his girlfriend.
Dad: Can you call me “Ok Who Pooted”? Fart Face was your given middle name till your mother came out of sedation of your C section. Damn shame you toss it around like candy now when you were too good to go with it then. My question is where is my MONEY?!!!!!
ANSWER: Oh, dad. You’re mixing your meds again, aren’t you? Just because they can be taken with Mountain Dew doesn’t mean they should. And I already told you, Ok Who Pooted, your money is safely invested. In economy sized tubs of Aspercreme.
Maggie O’C: Ericka, would it be okay if your dad adopted me?
ANSWER: Sure Maggie, if you don’t mind the fact I’ve already spent your inheritance on economy sized tubs of Aspercreme (none of your business) and spending Sundays at my parents’ house listening to Kenny G and listing all the ways John Cena has touched our lives.
Adam S: What word or phrase from 2012 are you tired of hearing the most? Whatever you pick gets banned from this page. For. Ev. VER.
ANSWER: YOLO. But only because I thought it was an STD and when I found out it wasn’t, I felt completely disrespected that the Internet tricked me. I will cut you, Internet. I will cut you.
We’ll finish up this game next Thursday, and don’t forget to check out the awesome/batshitcrazy bloggers featured on today’s post. In the mean time, I have to go ring shopping with Dave Coulier. God, he’s so pathetic.
