Today I want you to know who I really am. Here’s the thing: almost nobody knows. My husband knows, my parents, a few friends. Okay, just one knows, really. Sometimes I don’t even know because I’m too busy living inside my head. It’s warm here. There are so many books, they curl upward, canvas the ceiling. There are words, beautifully gritty words that almost hurt to touch.
So here’s a glimpse of me. Of what it’s like inside my head:
- When I look at men I see little boys. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I mean I see their faces before life dug into them, etched away the excess. When they smile, laugh, I can see them when they were simple and pure. It’s nice knowing what the “before” was like.
- I sense things sometimes. Evil. I’ve seen a demon before, heard my dead dog barking. I’ve passed out because of the spectral tension in a haunted hotel. It was the same hotel where my husband proposed to me. And I can’t wait to go back.
- I jumped into the pool at my wedding reception. It was my main goal for the day. Besides getting hitched and what not. I was not arrested and in fact the entire wedding party decided to join me. They all passed my test.
- I have an extreme fear of the dark, a phobia actually. I can’t explain it but if a room goes pitch black I feel utterly devoid of life like I’m slowly being suffocated. I have to see light, even it’s just a little to revive me.
- I have depression. It’s a part of me and on the days it scuttles out the door, I miss it a little. I feel it feeds me, gives me the root of every word that leaves my fingertips. I generally stay a little sad for this reason. Not that I don’t know how lucky I am. But the superstitious side of me thinks this is why I’m so lucky in the first place. I don’t take anything for granted.
- I used to suffer from exercise bulimia (and yes, that’s apparently a thing). I used to be obsessed with my body. My past had a way of focusing on the outside and refuting the in. But I made a decision before I got pregnant that I wouldn’t be this way anymore and with a will stronger than I was used to harboring, I started to eat for health, for life, for her. I never want her to know the bad side of me, my weaknesses.
- Everything overwhelms me: writing, wifedom, motherhood, work, life. But it does so in such a delicious way that I could never deny these things. They make me peaceful even when there’s chaos right outside my eyelids.
- I’ve kissed more girls than boys. College.
- I don’t tend to trust people who deal in extremes. There’s always a middle. That’s usually where you find love.
- I know my husband on an all encompassing level. He is the greatest thing I’ve ever accidentally won. And I won a goldfish at a carnival once that lived four years.
- My greatest role model is Mother Teresa.
- I’m Catholic, I guess, but sometimes I don’t really know.
- I can tell people have a hard time pinning me down. I wish I could make it easier for them.
- I am not insane. I mean not the insanity you generally tend to find on my blog. Just the insanity that is this post.
All right. Your turn.