I think we can all agree that I’m a magical human being who has not only managed to land a husband and a fake boyfriend (real Dave, I mean real), but who is also an expert in everything from open heart surgery to fixing your broken lap top (the trick is to jump on it and then throw it out the window). But today I want to help you with what I do best besides manufacturing home made soap from leftover toothpaste and Matt’s tears as well as designing and distributing a garishly provocative line of watches featuring naked pictures of drunken mole rats to various members of my extended family (don’t think you can get out of owning one Uncle Ted. Aunt Bernice gave me your new address. I’ve been out here on your front stoop for hours! You have to come home some time!!): online dating profiles.
The key to the online dating profile is to make sure everyone knows how much better you are than them at everything. This also stands true when it comes to pretty much everything else in life including but not limited to bob sledding, macrameing your husband’s college diploma to his computer screen when he asks you to stop practicing your roundhouse kicks next to his car and your ability to start a pretend relationship with a cast member of one of the most respected television programs the American public has ever had the privilege of viewing. So without further ado, online dating profiles. Let’s dance, bitch.
How to Write an Online Dating Profile
1. Start with the picture. Your picture should be somewhere between “convicted axe murderer” and “not convicted axe murderer.” Right now you’re looking at my picture thinking “Hmm…should I get her an axe for her birthday or would that be a really bad idea?” Nailed it. Also, throw in an awkward background setting like a bathroom (personal favorite) or the hospital waiting room right before your sister’s c-section. People like to know you’re a real person with a camera in your phone that’s liable to go off at a moment’s notice even though your uncle didn’t want to invite you to his colonoscopy in the first place (just take the damn watch Ted!!). Oh and for my birthday feel free to buy me an uncle who knows what’s good for him and/or a blender. I really love blenders.
2. Your name. What? You really thought you were going to type in your REAL name? Oh my, somebody’s named Dave Coulier and he’s about to get all weepy because he just realized using his real name on an online dating profile is uber lame-o and I may or may not have sold his cat to buy a blender. Come on, guys. Let’s get creative here. Would you rather date a Ben Johnson or a Woodchuck Firelog?? Exactly. Ben Johnson may have a “car” and a “job” and doesn’t look like an “axe murderer,” but he also doesn’t have a tattoo of an ancient Chinese symbol on his lower back or does that cute little thing where he calls you “hey tits face!” I rest my case.
3. Tell your prospective dates who you really are in that way that sounds like you’re not bragging but everyone knows you’re bragging and if they were any where near your car they would have already keyed their initials in it and taken that stupid smiley face ball you keep on your antenna and sent it back to you all torn up in a dirty envelope. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just really love using that damn blender. And keying cars.
4. Be honest about what you want from the relationship especially if it involves late night trips to toilet paper your ex’s house and/or eating a shit ton of slim jims right before going sky diving. Both of these things say “living in the moment” and if getting arrested at 3 a.m. in your ex’s front yard (that he never mows, Brian!!) and vomiting mid-air isn’t living then I don’t want to know what is. Unless it involves blenders.
5. If someone finds your profile and is interested in you (congratulations! You’re almost as attractive as me!), be sure to write an introductory email acknowledging their existence and find out where they stand on important issues like Alf, Skechers Shape Ups, keying cars, my husband half naked in a sombrero, aspercreme, silly babies, rabid giraffes and the state of our economy. Also, blenders.
There you have it, folks. An easy way to meet someone who has the same level of axe murdery face as you do and who doesn’t mind leaving your ex’s refrigerator open all night (lock your stupid doors, Brian!!). If for some reason you find potential dates are turned off by your profile send them my way. I have more than enough drunken naked mole rat watches to go around. Hear that Ted? I don’t need you!!!