1. Listen, I don’t want to make fake food with you on the Internet.  I hardly want to make real food in real life.  I really just want someone to make the food and then feed me while brushing my hair and telling me I have the skin tone to pull off vermillion.  But who doesn’t want to live the American Dream?
2. Pictures of yourself in different outfits doesn’t do it for me.  Pictures of you tricking Dave Coulier into believing you think he’s funny would.
3. Wait…what was that?  You had a baby??  I must have missed the memo.  Oh no wait.  There it is.  Everywhere.
4. I have this weird thing where letters have to spell real words and numbers can’t replace letters.  I know.  I’m looking into it.
5. Hi mom.  Fancy meeting you on the one place you never existed before.
6. Shouting your political stances at me has really made me understand your side of the argument.  Let’s get off this silly thing and hold hands in public.  Or violently punch each other in the face.
7. Is that a placenta???
8. Posting pictures of your cat dressed up as different Twilight characters has really renewed my faith in valium.
9. If you poke me again, I’ll break your cat.
10. I like how you think Fifty Shades of Gray is a “gripping novel.” Oh wait.  No I don’t.
11. So your profile pic is no longer that one of you making out with your best friend, huh?  People with eyes thank you.
12. You’re “tired”?  What is this gypsy concept you speak of?  It’s fascinating.
13. Fine, I get it.  It’s a placenta.  Good for you.
14. You ever notice how life is exactly like an emo song?  Yeah, thought you would.
15. Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party even though I don’t know who you are and you live in another country.  And no, I’m not interested in a “rageous good time” unless it involves writing fake fan letters to Dave Coulier while being fed.
16. Grandma??  Who told you how to turn on the computer???
17. Dad, if you mention me in a status update again about the time I had a diaper explosion, I’m going to invite you to make fake food with me.
18. Matthew, if you don’t take down that photo of the time I bit into that burrito and got it all over my shirt, I’m going to teach Grandma how to find your profile.  And she pokes.  Hard.
19. You’re going to raise your baby “gender free” huh?  So you’re the one who’s been stealing my valium.
20. Look at you getting all married again.  Times seven.
21. It’s okay that you unfriended me just like it’s okay I slashed your tires.  I’m glad we’ve worked this out.

Why did you deactivate your Facebook account?  And if you haven’t, tell me why you would.